Journey Journal of a Dad

7 Steps to Find Recovery from Past Mistakes and Trust Issues

2012-02-05T09:11:00.000-08:00

It's an issue that we all deal with, or at least I do and I project that onto everyone else. How do we let go of past mistakes, either by ourselves or by those close to us? How do we let go and actually move on?

I have put together a list of 7 tips/steps/reminders that have been relevant to myself, as well as a personal example mixed in. I hope you find it helpful.

Introduction with Humor to Lighten the Mood

I'm not very good at rhyming, but I think anniversaries and memories rhyme?

Speaking of dropping fat rhymes, I came up with one yesterday:
"He was a cat
with a top hat.
We called him the Aristocrat,
but he preferred to be called Mister Cat"

That's as far as I got. I was considering looking for a rap battle to test out my new lyrics, but decided against it since I couldn't figure out what line should go next.

#1: Memories do not Respect Priorities

My wife and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary this weekend. And there have been several memories, at least a dozen or more.

In fact, there become so many memories, that it becomes hard to keep the memory priority straight. I know there are some moments that I would much rather remember over others, and yet my mind doesn't cooperate with that. It doesn't really respect my wishes. It remembers what it wants to remember, when it wants to remember it.

So I am left then struggling to remember those really great memories, forgetting some really great ones, and then holding on to and remembering the terrible ones.

#2 Memories of Past Mistakes Push to the Surface

I am a thinker, or at least that's what I've been called. I think in my head all day long about all sorts of things. One of the common topics that finds itself in my head's forum is past mistakes.

We were watching quality television programming a couple nights ago and one of the characters says, "But lucky for you I never make the same mistake twice." And I thought, wow, wouldn't that be a great skill to have.

She of course was talking about wrongly accusing, imprisoning, interrogating, and torturing a fellow island refugee, which is slightly different than my situation, but just slightly.

#3 We are Scared to Let Go, Scared to Repeat the Mistake

The mistakes push to the surface any chance they can get. And we let them, because we think there is benefit is dwelling on them, mulling them over, analyzing them, learning from them. At least in my mind, a forgotten mistake is one that is perhaps doomed to repeat itself.

#4 When the Past Defines our Future

It is one thing when we vow to not make personal mistakes anymore, but it becomes a whole other issue when we are talking about our spouses, or someone close to us.

-We vow to never let them do that to us again.
-We vow to never get hurt again like that.
-We vow to never make the mistake of trusting them again.

We make these silent vows in our sub-conscious and then wonder why we struggle to rebuild relationships. We commit to protect ourselves from past mistakes and wonder why we can't move on, why our future is always hindered.

At the very least, dwelling on past mistakes does not allow me to fully enjoy the present situation. I never get to fully live in the moment because part of me is stuck way back at some point in time in the past.

#5 A Personal Example

For example, we bought a van and it really wasn't a great purchase. I thought it was. I was convinced. I talked my wife into it and forced our kids to spend hours at the dealership as we worked out the details and signed all the paperwork.

In the end, after the dust was settled, we found out the truth, that the van needed a new transmission a month after we bought it.

The situation worked itself out, there was definite favor in resolving the problem, found a shop that would do it for half the cost of the Honda dealership and then the warranty we bought ended up covering all but $100 of the repairs, but it still felt like a huge mistake.

Scratch that: it still feels like a huge mistake. I don't remember the provision. I remember the mistake.

You can bet that I vow to never get fooled like that again. I vow to never be taken advantage of and to approach with more skepticism in the future and to question everything that is told to me.

What was the positive of that situation though?

#6 There's Always Another Perspective

My wife knew the whole time, she perceived, she has a sense about these things. The van situation can teach me to remember the negatives and shield myself accordingly, or it can remind me that my wife has a voice that is worth listening to.

These are the memory priorities that I was talking about. Over a year has passed since the van incident, and it is quite easy for me to remember my mistakes and my vows, but it is quite harder to remember the actual point of the whole incident. Listen to my wife! Trust her judgement!

#7 The Conclusion

There will always be a choice of vulnerability or protection. Just as there will always be the choice of is it worth it or not. But anniversaries are made of memories and my best memories are experienced when I let go of the past and embrace the present, excited about the future.

Remember to check your memory priorities and help yourself to remember the good ones.
Learn what you may and then let the memory of the mistake go.
Find the new perspective, the good, in the situation.
Don't miss out on your future by letting part of yourself live in the past.

Dawning Chords by Brock Human

2012-02-01T09:35:00.000-08:00

Hi all. Love this CD by Brock Human. Here are some guitar chords for his song Dawning. Play around with the rhythm of the strumming in the verses, but this should give you a great framework to get started playing the song.

Please let me know your thoughts and any corrections.

"Dawning" by Brock Human

capo3

verse

C F G

G F C

dawning a days born

and in you I'm completely new

rush of emotions

as I remember I belong to you

you're drawing me in now

I just want to see your eyes your face

mending what's broken

show me I'll completely love your ways

chorus

Am F C G

all of my heart is yours

I feel your love on me

outro

I need to be with you lord

like the light of day shine on me

I want to dream with you lord

til the world sees your great love

How to Create a Mass Virus

2012-02-01T09:27:00.000-08:00

I have been tasked with creating a viral video. How to create something unique, short in length, that millions of people will find fascinating enough to watch and share? On top of that, how to include phone accessories into the video?

Viral reminds me of the word contagious. Like quickly spreading and sharable with others whether you wanted to or not. Maybe even like outbreak. For example, if a zombie bites you, you can't help but be drawn to its cause, joining the ranks of the zombies

Or if you are a reporter and are trapped in a building with an unsteady video camera, firefighters, other random people, oh and a deadly contagious virus, you can't help but become infected by the end of the movie.

I think about social media in general as well. I think about all the formulas and methods that exist to get people to join your cause. If I do X amount of giveaways and Y amount of promotional codes, then I will have thousands and millions of interested fans.

I started operating the Twitter account for our company this week. This could be a very valid reason as to why I am thinking about social media. I can't help but notice though the amount of accounts simply promoting their own cause, completely separate from the well-being of others. I see these accounts and they scream, "Me! Me! Me! Look at Me! Join Me!" And for some reason that makes me want to run in the opposite direction, lest I become the next reporter trapped in a zombie building.

My biggest complaint about social media is that it is so one-dimensional. I really only get to see one side of everyone. I get to see their business side. All posts point back to their business. Or on other accounts I get to see their hobby side. All posts talk about this one passionate hobby. Or there are the religious accounts, and all posts are about God. Etc. Etc.

I posted this on my Twitter account awhile ago:

Derek Gillette @DerekGilletteCo

We have professional interests AND personal ones, hobbies, families,etc. We need Twitter profiles that reflect this variety

I wonder what genuine Twitter accounts would look like. Where we get to see all angles of a company/person? The good days, bad days, successes, failures, on-topic, off-topic posts, etc.

The thing about viral media is that it doesn't fit into a box. It seems we keep wanting to create boxes, to create predictability, but good social media doesn't fit into that box, it breaks it open. Pushes boundaries out.

But inevitably someone else will come along trying to imitate that and looking to create a box out of something that had previously broken the box.

People want predictability, but people are not predictable themselves. Mistakes happen, accidents come up, things changes, our motivations differ and passions shift, etc. And that is good and normal. Yet, we cannot seem to accept that.

So create a virus, create a campaign that is so contagious it can't help but spread, but do it being uniquely you, uniquely your business, and break down some boxes in the process.

Too Close for Comfort

2011-12-27T11:49:00.000-08:00

There was a fly in my office this morning, repeatedly banging its head against the window by my desk. It didn't bother me.

Someone pointed it out to me, as in annoyance, "Fly why are you in here? Go away!" But I told them I had brought him from home, he was a pet, and he went everywhere with me.

So the fly banged its head against the window for a solid two hours. I work with headphones on a lot, as an attempt to stay in the creative zone, so I didn't notice when the banging suddenly stopped.

I happened to look over a few minutes later and there was the fly, lying dead on the windowsill.

The fly's actions seem stupid to us because we have such a bigger perspective. We can see the way to get outside, we know that no matter how hard he bangs his head against that glass, he will never get through it. But to the fly it makes perfect sense. The outside must be close because it is so visible.

Desperation causes us to do repetitive things, like bang our heads against the same window over and over again. It makes sense to us because breakthrough looks so close, we can see to the other side, if only we keep banging, we will get there soon. But it is this false sense of closeness that stops us from ever actually getting there.

Eventually we will tire and fall to the windowsill, having to be content knowing how close we were. We get satisfied with closeness, but only because the possibility of another route seems so slim, unrealistic, and full of crazy effort.

Let's all work hard to make sure our perceived closeness isn't preventing us from actually getting to our destination.

Christmas Gift

2011-12-23T22:58:00.000-08:00

“This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.’” Matthew 1:18-21

Who has felt the fear of vulnerability? Who has shied away because of it? Who has held back love because of fear? Who has held back part of themselves because of fear?

Who has not had the benefit of a face to face angel encounter to get us to face our fears? Who then has parted ways with their destiny because it was the smarter, more practical, more faithful, more dignified, more sensible thing to do?

There's a skeptic longing to come out in all of us. Longing to question the practicality of the matter at hand. Longing to question the source of this supposed life, this supposed child. Longing to find every reason why we still should not participate.

Vulnerability is like a precious gift. When you give it, it demonstrates complete trust. Here, you can see all of me. Here, I hold nothing back. Here, I fully engage. Vulnerability is complete.

The source of hope comes through vulnerability. The source of saving comes through vulnerability. Vulnerability will save his people from their sins.

There's more to it than that of course, but how beautiful is vulnerability? How welcoming is it?

Vulnerability draws kings from far lands, pulls stars down from the sky, attracts all who come close. Vulnerability cuts down walls and says no to expectations. Vulnerability doesn't believe it deserves to be treated a certain way. There is no "if I get this, then I will" response. You will never hear it say, "If they were more like this to me, then I would."

My Christmas wish this year is for a more vulnerable me. I sure hope I get it.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Love-Derek

As Far as the East is from the West

2011-12-16T12:30:00.000-08:00

I heard a song in my head this morning when I woke up (lyrics attached below). I turned it on as I drove to work. I played it on repeat during my 45-minute commute. I was overwhelmed with the impression that this was a current song, a relevant song. A song for today and for the near future.

When I listen to this song I hear the end of fear coming. I hear the end of a generation that runs and flees from evil because they are so scared of its influence. I hear the sound of sheltering being broken. Sheltering tells us to gather our little children and cover their eyes and plug their ears, lest they be drawn away by temptations.

What if we didn't fear evil? What if we didn't fear our own depravity? What if our own sin nature wasn't a point of shame for us? There is nothing to run from, only things we need to face.

The idea of God casting our sins, "as far as the east is from the west," is really nice to think about. I can make a mistake and then ask forgiveness, and boom, it's gone, like it never happened. But I feel the problem comes when we try to operate that way.

We make a mistake, and ask forgiveness, and boom, we pretend it never happened, try to wipe it from our memories, and never allow ourselves to think about it.

When you face your mistakes with grace (grace is one of Jesus' superpowers) there is nothing to run from, nothing to hide from.

God loved me while I was still a sinner. He loves my complete person, my new testament person, along with my old testament person: the whole package.

I hear a melody of Christians who no longer need to pretend their sin nature never existed, because Jesus' superpower is so good, so complete, so restoring, so empowering, so so so full of love.

I hear the repeating words, "One time we were bruised, We were bankrupt and haunted" and then I hear the cyclical lyrics that complete the picture, "You have called us love, You have called us wanted."

The verse repeats itself over and over. Pretty soon I can't tell which set of lyrics started the verse and which ones end it. And that is how a circle should be. It doesn't matter where it began, or where it ends, only that I am being perfectly restored, perfectly loved, perfectly empowered through my new being and my old being, through my past and my present and my future.

Perfect love sets my whole person free.

Seen a Darkness by John Mark McMillan

We have seen a darkness
But we have seen a light
We have felt the love
Of a hope’s hot blood
In the machinery of night

We have seen a darkness
But we have seen the sun
We have come undone
To a love’s hot song
In a symphony of blood

The valley of the shadow knows our name
We have seen a night
But we have seen the day
Dressed in the blood of love’s hot veins
We have overcome
Yeah, we have overcome

Born into the grave
But born a second time
We’ve been born again
Into loves hot hands
On someone else’s dime

The valley of the shadow knows our name
We have seen a night
But we have seen the day
Dressed in the blood of loves hot veins
We have overcome
Yeah, we have overcome

You have called us loved
And you have called us wanted
One time we were bruised
We were bankrupt and haunted

Happy Birthday Chanaw

2011-12-07T11:07:00.000-08:00

Some people may look at us and not understand or wonder why, or maybe even, how do you make it work?

I guess it may seem like an odd pairing, added to a complex and complicated situation, with lots of little hearts and lives at stake. Lots of places to make really serious mistakes.

I’m sure it looked more like a fling than anything else. I’m sure it still doesn’t seem very serious to some. Like when will they wake up and see the light, the truth, the real way. The adult way. The mature way. The stable way. The responsible way.

I suppose these are fair thoughts, fair responses, but opinions none the less. (noting the difference between opinion and fact)

Opinions are like weights on my shoulders. When I carry them I feel heavy.

Expectations are heavier though. It reminds me of that Chase Bank commercial with the two money booths and when she chooses to go into the one with the coins instead of the dollar bills, he advises, “Bob and weave once you’re in there.” (then does the funny dance you laugh at every time)

Because if you move fast enough, and hide long enough, the opinions and the expectations have a harder time catching up to you. They are easier to ignore and write off.

I gave journals as a gift to some co-workers a few years ago. I referenced the verse, “my cup overflows.” I wrote, “May your cup overflow this year.” And, “may you not be defined by what you lack but be reminded of the limitless God who gives freely.”

We had to make a decision from the beginning to not look at our lack, because there was a lot of it. I think we still consciously have to choose to not look at all the things we aren’t. All the couples we are not like. All the places things don’t quite fit. All the instability.

I wake up and I consciously choose to be overwhelmed by our overflow. Even if it is less noticeable on the surface.

Do you remember that one time I quit my stable, well-paying job to pursue an unknown career because we both felt like we were supposed to do it?

What about those two times we lost rent money? One because the landlord kept our $1300 deposit and one because we misplaced $800 in cash.

I remember the night you came home to tell me that instead of birth control pills, the clinic had given you the news that we were pregnant with our 4th child. Do you remember how you felt?

The adjustment process of two young boys going from, “I HATE YOU!” to “I WILL TOLERATE YOU!” to an actual relationship now. There was some stress involved with that if I remember right.

Let’s also not forget that I’ve put you through a lot. I’m a little strange. A little different. A little non-social at times. A little argumentative and opinionated. I like to be right. I like to do things my way….all the time.

And yet here you are. By my side.

When I say overflow the first image that comes to mind is water running out of a cup and onto the ground and, oh great, another mess to clean up. But when I stop to think about it, overflow doesn’t run onto the ground, because it doesn’t run away. And it’s not a waste, because it’s the very thing I need.

Overflow stands beside and cheers. Overflow never gives up. Never. Never stops loving. Never stops caring. Never stops believing in the future.

My favorite thing about overflow is that she’s not afraid of the opinions. She doesn’t run or hide, but stands and faces, knowing that what she has is enough.

We’ve been married for slightly over 1,000 days now (I’ve been counting) and you’ve been my overflow every single one of those days.

More than my cup (expectations) can contain, but exactly what I need.

And so, “Happy Birthday” to you, but, “Happy Overflowing Life” to us. And by happy I, of course, mean awesome.

Thank you.

My Own Pure Voice

2011-12-01T10:40:00.000-08:00

This analogy applies to more than just singing, but it's most clear when looking at that application.

When we try to imitate someone else's voice and make it our own, we never find true success. Our imitations sound fake, forced, and not pure. And purity is worth listening to.

They say imitation is the highest form of flattery, but what does it say about us? Sometimes I think it says that we trust the behaviors of someone else more than we trust our own actions. Perhaps it's safer. Less risky.

I want to really be able to sing along with the high voice singers on the radio, but my range just doesn't go there. So I crack and fall flat, or sharp, or just plain ugly. But for some reason there is more satisfaction in that than there is in staying within my lower range and not going after those high notes.

When we strive for the beauty in others we overlook attractive qualities that lie hidden within ourselves.

It's lame to say "Just Be Yourself," but I guess that's what I'm saying. Unfortunately. Because I highly desire to not be lame.

Maybe more of what I want to say is that we need more genuine in this world. We need more people who find themselves and their skills beautiful and are confident enough in that to share it openly with the world.

I want more pure voices (metaphorically speaking).

I want more of my own pure voice.

yes sir no sir please sir can i have some more

2011-11-29T23:28:00.000-08:00

Ive realized its pretty easy to get a kid to do what you want. I can get them to obey and say yes sir, but what are not so predictable are the unintended consequences from getting that obedience.

Hearing a yes sir from their lips doesn't give me any indication as to what's being said in their head. Unheard words that actually mean a great deal. Words and thoughts that alter our relationship for perhaps years to come. And these thoughts are caused by the way in which I go about getting them to do what I want.

So, obedience is easy. Unintended consequences are complicated.

It matters then not so much about the result as it does about the method and means which lead to that result.

A conversation might work better than an angry tone. Intimidation using my size and strength might not be as healthy as allowing them to express emotion freely. And allowing them freedom to make mistakes and freedom to succeed might just lead to success more than controlling every decision and every outcome.

Cause in the end I want them to able to say. "Yes Dad," instead of "yes sir."

Small Talk, Big Talker

2011-11-13T19:25:00.000-08:00

Small talk often annoys me. It get tired of talking about subjects like the weather and traffic. I get tired of answering the same questions such as, "How as your day?" "How was the weekend?" etc. etc.

I thought of this tonight as I was taking the garbage cans out to the curb and I passed by our neighbor's house and he shouted to me, "Hi!" I responded with a, "Hey!" back. He then, from this large distance shouted something like, "Cold weather huh?" And I yelled back, "Yes!" We were really too far apart to have any real conversation.

In this moment I realized though that at least we are still trying. At least small talk means we are all still trying to connect, that we still care enough to make the effort. I realized the absence of small talk would signify a huge problem.

Can you imagine a place where no one made the effort anymore? Can you picture what it would be like to silently move through life, brushing shoulders with your acquaintances, and never saying a word?

At least small talk means we are all still willing to brave the semi-awkward moment, it signifies that we are still worth the effort. Small talk tells us that all of us crave relationship, connection, even in its most crude of forms.

When one stops small talking, people are no longer worth the effort. There is no reason anymore to brave the semi-awkward moments. There is no more connection.

And so in true epiphany, I verbally declare that I appreciate small talk. If not for the content of the conversation, then for what stands behind the words; a person who cares.

Admiration & Admonition

2011-11-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

Let us not scoff at progress, no matter how slow moving

Let us not forget where we came from

Let us not stop singing the praises of others

Let us always remember that it is kindness that draws us closer

Let us not make others earn our respect, rather let us show honor generously

Let us not live by what we don't have, longing for more, somewhere else

Let us always live beyond what we can see, not needing proof to believe in those things some call "too good to be true"

Let us be the one to turn away the mob, and the one to start the movement

Let us always remember our priorities, loving the ones closest to us

And let us never lose our perspective; this is a journey, meant to be lived, discovered, wrestled with, and fought for

Two Excellent Sons for Right Now

2011-11-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

"In death by love, the fallen world was overcome.
He wears the scars of our freedom.
In His name, all our fears are swept away.
He never fails." -Take Heart by Hillsong

"Once from the dust, once from the grave,
Daughters and sons, from the ashes you've raised;
And hidden our faults even from your own face;
And scattered our debt upon the waves." -Murdered Son by John Mark McMillan

From within to without

2011-10-09T08:32:00.001-07:00

There are just some days you realize how connected everything really is.

A victory in one place leads me to victories in other places. Defeat likewise is no respecter of boundaries.

I can't expect to hide or ignore and think that my neglect equals closure or maturity or moving on.

When I run in one place it makes me tired everywhere. I am one body, one spirit, it all connects.

I can't be a man with no patience for my wife and expect to find peace anywhere else in my life.

I can't be a father with no time for his kids and not expect to feel the hurried, busy, worried all around me.

A kind word returns kindness and a mean word stirs up anger.

A choice to forgive unites all people a little not more. A choice to walk away and stay away keeps us all divided.

A choice made in freedom, meaning the freedom to choose one way or another, is a choice made in power.

Powerful people make freewill choices that promote life, knowing that all along the process they have the right and the ability to choose the opposite.

Today is a morning when I realize how connected it all is; how connected we all are.

From the Inside Out

2011-10-08T22:53:00.000-07:00

I realized today just how much we (I) am driven by appearances. I mean of course this is partially a given. Of course there are some expectations set on us that we must meet in order to be considered normal. But there is a deeper truth to it as well.

I focus a lot on motivation. Why do we do the things we do? Why are we driven to succeed or fail in any activity? What makes us feel or express the emotions and in the way we choose to express them?

It has always been a belief of mine that it wasn't so much the words we said that made us effective, but what we felt on the inside that made those words so powerful.

I heard someone say once that the same speech delivered by two different people to the same audience would garner two different reactions. The speaker who was engaged on the inside, passionate about the subject and genuine in his/her motivation would relate to the crowd much differently than the reverse.

Why do I blog? Is it for attention? Is it an attempt to garner fame or fortune? What are my motivations?

Why do I use social media at all? Is it a popularity contest and a way for me to measure my social worth among my peers?

I find it hard to play music or sing without inside focusing more on the how it sounds versus what it's for. And I find in those moments of what it's for, the music becomes more powerful than the appearance of it all. And something more significant happens in that moment. Something lasting. Something genuine.

In conclusion I would like to raise my glass to toast to us all:

"That we would find more of our genuine and leave more of our posturing behind;
That we all would realize more moments of significance, leaving us wanting less and less of the opposite;
And that, collectively, we would put aside the allure of appearance in favor of the beauty of our true selves."

I See Heaven by Bryan & Katie Torwalt

2011-09-28T22:07:00.001-07:00

I believe these are right, but correct me if I'm wrong.

"I See Heaven" by Bryan & Katie Torwalt

Intro: E A

Verse:

E A E A

I see heaven invading this place

E A E A

I see angels praising Your holy name

E A E A (A)

I sing praises, I sing praises I give you honor worthy Jesus

I see glory falling in this place

I see hope restored through healing of all diseases

I sing praises, I sing praises I give you honor worthy Jesus

Chorus:

We give you praise and all of the honor

You are our God, the one we live for

E A

We give you praise and all of the glory, God

Bridge:

A E A B A

Let your presence fill this place, Let heaven come

A E A B A

Let your angels be released, Let heaven come

A E A B A

We worship at your feet, Let heaven come

A E A B A

Face to face we wanna be Let heaven come

Derek Gillette Consulting

2011-09-24T22:01:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to make you aware of a big event that is launching today! I have just finished putting together a website for my consulting business.

Here is the web address: http://www.derekgilletteconsulting.com

Please take a look around and let me know what you think.

Thanks everyone!

Derek

I'm a Lover of Your Presence

2011-09-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

Came across a new song today and decided to put together the chords and lyrics for it since I couldn't find them out there anywhere else. Chords were on a comment on a Youtube video and lyrics I typed out.

“I’m a Lover of Your Presence”

Bryan & Katie Torwalt

Chords: Em C G D/F#

Verse 1:

Em C G D/F#

Let this be a sacrifice. Let me dedicate my life, to worship You. (x2)

Chorus 1:

I’m a lover of Your presence.

G D/F#

I’m a lover of Your presence.

Verse 2:

A passion stirring deep inside. You’re all that really satisfies, we worship You (x2)

Chorus 2:

We’re lovers of Your presence.

It’s all we want to be.

Bridge:

I was made for love

G D/F#

I was made for loving You

An Endless Ocean

2011-09-19T19:53:00.000-07:00

We are swimming in an ocean of endless possibilities.

"The ocean floor begins to disappear;
I sense that terrible depth.
The open water is my only fear,
but I'll sail as long as I still have breath in me." Thrice--Open Water

Endless possibilities is a fear, so is the unknown. Open water, endless ocean, unending depths, all these are infinite in their definition. No beginning, no end.

No resolution. Infinity, infinite, open-ended.

We live and we die by our own freedom.

Take these three expressions;

1. Give a man enough rope and he will hang himself

2. At the end of his rope

3. On the ropes

Too much freedom seems dangerous, as well as too little freedom sounds restricting.

We swim in an ocean of endless possibilities and yet we define away the infinite.

We put in restrictions, barriers, beliefs, comfort zones, personal liberties.

It may sound corny, but I am really going to reference the Matrix. They all swam in the same endless ocean, but it was only one of them who could embrace the limitless reality they actually participated in. Only one who was not bound by his own barriers, beliefs, and perceptions.

Do we settle for substitutes then? Settle for comfortable and familiar? Because at least we can define these, at least we know the beginning and end, we know the limit.

Do we settle for tradition? It has worked before and will work again. The mystery of the open ocean is a fear. The fear is removed by taking away the mystery.

It is the joy of God to conceal, and the joy of kings to discover, to reveal, to search out the mystery.

Joy in the unknown, the undefined, the confusion, the search.

There is a moment when i can't feel my feet touch the bottom anymore,

and in that moment fear rises up within me.

My body tenses and aches as the fear seizes me in an attempt to paralyze.

"Confine and define," the fear shouts in arrogance, a taunt.

But I let go.

I push out farther, in a place where failure is possible.

The mystery calls to me.

What if there is no limit?

What if there are greater works than all these that have come before?

I heard the word "cornucopia" this weekend.

It's definition: a great abundance and plentiful supply.

The origin: Greek mythology speaks of the cornucopia horn as a source of infinite plenty; giving the owner access to whatever their heart desires.

Like Standing in a Mirror

2011-09-06T08:50:00.000-07:00

It's hard to give up the idea that your children will possibly not turn out like you.

I think most parents have come to terms with this idea though, at least on the surface. They have accepted that their child will most likely enjoy different activities then they did, and may move away or work in a completely different industry, etc. etc.

However, for me personally, I find the biggest struggle in realizing that their childhood will be different than mine was.

I find it incredibly difficult to accept the fact that the best experiences in my childhood may not be the best experiences in theirs.

In fact, their best memories and moments of their childhood may be doing something I never did as a child. Or worse yet, those moments may be with people other than me.

It is drilled into our conscious and subconscious, as parents, to give our kids the best upbringing possible. To make the right decisions for them. And I think at times, our first instinct to accomplish this is to take our happy memories and try to duplicate them for our kids.

"You really need to try soccer. Playing soccer was the best experience of my life. You will love it."

"Oh I remember my first pair of Puma shoes. You need to get a pair. You will love them like I did."

"I was in band. It was so much fun. You should join band."

"My best times were with my friends in high school. You will have the best times too. You need to make a bunch of friends in high school so you can have those friends forever."

"I always put butter and syrup on my pancakes. I never used to put peanut butter and syrup like you do."

"As a kid we always were outside playing. All you do is sit inside. Why don't you go outside and do something fun like I used to do."

The examples are endless. It is those little comments that we choose to say after the things they say. It is how we choose to react to a foreign influence, an unfamiliar interest, to an experience that they seem to enjoy that we have no memories with ourselves.

I am in the process of working to find more things to celebrate, more reasons to stand up and cheer, even when I can't personally relate.

The Best of Misintentions

2011-08-23T15:30:00.000-07:00

You write to an unseen audience. You think they are there listening, but it's so silent, there could be no one. You assume the best.

You assume they stop what they are doing and turn to listen. You assume they put down their distractions, turn off the multi-tasking, in order to best focus.

You hear the silence and you believe behind it sits sealed lips, wide eyes, and captivated ears. In an era with a constant soundtrack, background music in every setting, you believe the silence is purposeful and thus, complimentary.

You write because you believe it is your gift. You believe there is a purpose to it. You believe in showing your best self to the world, in holding nothing back, and so you write, because perhaps it is the best gift you have to give.

What if you write from within a steel cage? Behind the bars you still type.

What if you write, seal the letters in an envelope, carefully addressed, and the letter is intercepted by the prison guards and discarded?

You write for years, believing you write to a certain destination, only to find out later that it has been to an unintended destination all this time.

So then what if the letters discarded were actually recycled? They were thrown into the garbage, and as the trash would be thrown out, the letters would go with it. Into the garbage pile went the letters, where they were then found and picked up by another. For years this other person would come to collect the unintended letters.

But what if this other person spoke another language, and so he would have them translated? The translator did not like the content, so the translation were inaccurate, the meanings of words were changed. So this unintended audience was reading an imitation of the real thing.

You write to the silence and believe for the best. You carefully send the writings to a specific audience. However that audience never receives the messages, but they are given to another who reads not the accurate words, but words changed from their original meaning.

What then if these inaccurate, mistranslated words, changed the life of this unintended listener?

Then this listener and the original author would meet up years and years down the road. It would not matter the accuracy of the words, or the incorrect destination, or the years and years of separation.

Somehow it all makes sense. Somehow it's all worth it. Somehow it was supposed to be this way all along.

Tears for Breakfast

2011-07-21T16:44:00.000-07:00

  A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek;
   I want to drink God,
      deep draughts of God.
   I'm thirsty for God-alive.
   I wonder, "Will I ever make it—
      arrive and drink in God's presence?"
   I'm on a diet of tears—
      tears for breakfast, tears for supper.
   All day long
      people knock at my door,
   Pestering,
      "Where is this God of yours?"

  These are the things I go over and over,
      emptying out the pockets of my life.
   I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd,
      right out in front,
   Leading them all,
      eager to arrive and worship,
   Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving—
      celebrating, all of us, God's feast!

  Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
      Why are you crying the blues?
   Fix my eyes on God—
      soon I'll be praising again.
   He puts a smile on my face.
      He's my God.

  When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse
      everything I know of you,
   From Jordan depths to Hermon heights,
      including Mount Mizar.
   Chaos calls to chaos,
      to the tune of whitewater rapids.
   Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
      crash and crush me.
   Then God promises to love me all day,
      sing songs all through the night!
      My life is God's prayer.

  Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God,
      "Why did you let me down?
   Why am I walking around in tears,
      harassed by enemies?"
   They're out for the kill, these
      tormentors with their obscenities,
   Taunting day after day,
      "Where is this God of yours?"

  Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
      Why are you crying the blues?
   Fix my eyes on God—
      soon I'll be praising again.
   He puts a smile on my face.
      He's my God.

-Psalm 42 (MSG)

If there is a dead horse that deserves beating, it's this one

2011-07-18T17:33:00.000-07:00

I know I talk about the power of perspective quite frequently, but I do believe it bears repeating.

There is just such incredible power in how we perceive things.

In my college computer classes we used to hear two definitions.

1. data: facts
2. information: how we choose to put those facts together

See this excerpt from diffen.com:

Data are plain facts. When data are processed, organized, structured or presented in a given context so as to make them useful, they are calledInformation.

It is not enough to have data (such as statistics on the economy). Data in themselves are fairly useless. But when these data are interpreted and processed to determine its true meaning, they become useful and can be called Information. Data is the computer's language. Information is our translation of this language.

This is how perception works as well. We take in situations, conversations, body language, events, and we process them. We put them together in the best order that our mind knows how. We place importance on certain facts and ignore others. We end up with a coherent thought or feeling that sums up the experience. This, then, is what we call our reality.

This is also why I think all reality is relative.

When I have serious conversations with the boys or with Chanaw I will often ask them what they heard me say (I have this habit of droning on for quite awhile). It is always so amazing to me that their perception of what I am saying is so often very far from my actual thoughts.

Now this is partly a communication problem on my part, but part of it is also a processing problem.

Perception is essentially a pair of shaded glasses that we wear. Everything we see is filtered through these glasses. The lenses could be a certain color, thickness, style, prescription, etc. Each person's pair is different. Each person perceiving the same situation differently.

Questions to think about:

1. What are my insecurities? My fears? The negative thoughts I think about myself?

2. What do I believe about others? What are my biases? Stereotypes?

3. What ultimate truths do I believe? What beliefs will never change, about myself or others, no matter the circumstances?

I think the greatest danger for us is that negative perception creates assumptions that keep us from fully engaging. These assumptions keep us at a distance. They keep our true, unique self hidden away for safety. We can't let this happen. We need to correct these perceptions. Change our filters.

Hope the week is off to a good start for everyone!

Off-topic but funny: I love the line in this commercial, "I've got news for you, there's no such thing as a bear sheriff."

Why Lemonade?

2011-07-13T17:52:00.000-07:00

The phrase, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade," came to my head the other day.

We were walking into IKEA with everyone at the time so I asked the boys, "Why do you think everyone tells you to make lemonade if you have lemons?"

Ezra said, "What else can you make?"

Eli was distracted but ended up saying something like, "Lemons? What! Who has lemons?"

And I said, "You're right Ezra, what else does anyone know how to make with lemons?"

I continued to belabor the point as we walked through IKEA, "The real trick in life is learning how to make something besides lemonade with your lemons, because that will be something of worth."

Both kids nodded their heads. I thought ok, that's about enough lecturing for one day. I'm never really sure what they hear when I'm talking. I often picture the parents from Charlie Brown who just sound like, "Wah, wah, wah wah wah."

Later in the day Chanaw, Ezra, and I were sitting down watching some quality late night programming when a commercial for the new Samsung Galaxy tablet came on the screen. (for those of you not familiar, the Samsung Galaxy is the latest in the string of IPad imitation devices)

Ezra commented in a slightly irritated tone, "Why is everyone trying to copy the IPad? All they're doing is making lemonade with lemons. They need to learn how to make something else."

And I was so proud in that moment. Because that really made sense. It was smart and intelligent and a great use of the analogy from today. It was a better real life use of the analogy than I had thought of even.

I didn't feel like a "wah-wah" parent in that moment. I felt more like an "ah-ha" parent as I watched my son experience a moment of discovery.

Ah-ha beats wah-wah any day and twice on Sunday.

Statement of Beliefs for the Presbyterian Church

2011-07-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

I was browsing the website of a Presbyterian Church today and came across their statement of beliefs. These statements are normally pretty standard and wordy and relatively uneventful, but this one caught my attention.

It is still a long read, but worth it I think. The story that is this Gospel really is a beautiful poem and deserves to be translated in such a way. As I read this I could feel the beauty in the words. I hope you find it as beautiful as I did.

The Statement
In life and in death we belong to God.
Through the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the love of God,
and the communion of the Holy Spirit,
we trust in the one triune God, the Holy One of Israel,
whom alone we worship and serve. We trust in Jesus Christ,
Fully human, fully God.
Jesus proclaimed the reign of God:
preaching good news to the poor
and release to the captives,
teaching by word and deed
and blessing the children,
healing the sick
and binding up the brokenhearted,
eating with outcasts,
forgiving sinners,
and calling all to repent and believe the gospel.
Unjustly condemned for blasphemy and sedition,
Jesus was crucified,
suffering the depths of human pain
and giving his life for the sins of the world.
God raised Jesus from the dead,
vindicating his sinless life,
breaking the power of sin and evil,
delivering us from death to life eternal.We trust in God,
whom Jesus called Abba, Father.
In sovereign love God created the world good
and makes everyone equally in God's image
male and female, of every race and people,
to live as one community.
But we rebel against God; we hide from our Creator.
Ignoring God's commandments,
we violate the image of God in others and ourselves,
accept lies as truth,
exploit neighbor and nature,
and threaten death to the planet entrusted to our care.
We deserve God's condemnation.
Yet God acts with justice and mercy to redeem creation.
In everlasting love,
the God of Abraham and Sarah chose a covenant people
to bless all families of the earth.
Hearing their cry,
God delivered the children of Israel
from the house of bondage.
Loving us still,
God makes us heirs with Christ of the covenant.
Like a mother who will not forsake her nursing child,
like a father who runs to welcome the prodigal home,
God is faithful still. We trust in God the Holy Spirit,
everywhere the giver and renewer of life.
The Spirit justifies us by grace through faith,
sets us free to accept ourselves and to love God and neighbor,
and binds us together with all believers
in the one body of Christ, the church.
The same Spirit
who inspired the prophets and apostles
rules our faith and life in Christ through Scripture,
engages us through the Word proclaimed,
claims us in the waters of baptism,
feeds us with the bread of life and the cup of salvation,
and calls women and men to all ministries of the church.
In a broken and fearful world
the Spirit gives us courage
to pray without ceasing,
to witness among all peoples to Christ as Lord and Savior,
to unmask idolatries in church and culture,
to hear the voices of peoples long silenced,
and to work with others for justice, freedom, and peace.
In gratitude to God, empowered by the Spirit,
we strive to serve Christ in our daily tasks
and to live holy and joyful lives,
even as we watch for God's new heaven and new earth,
praying, Come, Lord Jesus!With believers in every time and place,
we rejoice that nothing in life or in death
can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Best of Craigslist

2011-07-05T21:29:00.000-07:00

I happened to click on the "Best of Craigslist" link tonight after browsing the job listings. There was a long list of titles, blah blah blah, but one caught my attention, "What is happening to people?" Please enjoy:

Let me preface by saying I've never posted anything on this section or any other section of Craigslist but I'm feeling very compelled to do so right now.

I just got back from a trip to Wegmans and am in awe at the current state/behaivor/mindset of "people". As I'm walking in, I go to grab a cart and notice three guys (late teens/early 20's) all standing together but on their cell phones texting and blocking the majortiy of carts. So I sidestep them and grab a cart from the sole lane they weren't blocking. I get my cart and proceed but I can't help but notice the people lined up to return bottles/cans. I'm not knocking them (I'm pro-recycle) but it looked like they literally crawled out of a dumpster and needed the deposit money to get through the night. I asked myself "why don't they just stop consuming this sugarwater and use the money for a necessity?" Then I realized Coke and Pepsi are a necessity for the majority of people in this country. I should also point out that each one was overweight (if not obese).

I get inside and start doing some shopping. The procuce section was the most "normal". I grabbed some apples, a few bananas, and some strawberries since it's that time of year. As I left the produce section, it started getting depressing. I see a kid poking his finger through a package of ground beef and laughing his cute little head off. I don't blame the kid (I did that once too when I was his age but my mother grabbed my hand and basically let me know if it ever happened again, I'd lose my hand). However, I DO blame his mother for not caring the least about her son destroying multiple packs of meat. She was actually entertained by his behaivor. So I grabbed some chicken breast and continued on. As I'm passing the "organic food" section, I hear two guys laughing hysterically so I walk back a few steps to see if George Carlin had risen from the dead doing one of his stand-up acts. Nope...wasn't him. The two guys were "tickling" each other. In laymans terms, they were a couple of gay guys. I'm not anti-gay, but it was just weird watching them be so flamoyant in public. Being "out" seems to be the "in" these days.

I get to the cereal isle and see a guy pushing around one of those carts that resembles a car for the kids to sit in. His gf/wife was about 10 feet away yelling out loudly which cereal he wanted. He had his back turned to her pushing the cart the opposite direction with the two kids screaming their heads off as he's looking at his cell phone. I stop at this point waiting for him to pass me but he's in the middle of the isle and knocks into my cart. One of the kids then throws a canned fruit. The guy stops looking at his phone and gives me this annoyed look as if it's my fault im in his lane. A fuse started to light up inside me. As he starts to move his cart back to the right side of the lane, I throw my shoulder into him and knock him off balance. He says "hey" but in a very non-threatening way, so I glace back and he looks away. His overweight gf didn't seem too pleased with me. I grabbed some Wegmans brand cereal with almonds (it's really good).

On to the next isle to get some pasta and sauce. I see a mom that resembles my math teacher in high school. Is it her? Can't be...nope, wasn't her but I instantly smile since I was very fond of my math teacher. She smiles back. Her daughter was next to her..I'd say she was 15 or 16. Lip peirced, glazed eyes, and of course TEXTING. The whole time, this girl is rolling her eyes and being dramatic. About what? Who knows. Most likely something to do with a text. I glance at her and she glances back at me really quickly and then looks back at her cell phone. For that split second when I was able to see her eyes, I felt a weight on my shoulders. This girl, along with the majority of people in the store, had severe mental issues.

What happened to these people? Is it the fluoridated tap water? The anti-depression medications? The fast food consumed on a daily basis? The chemicals in diet sodas and chewing gum? The constant need for people to feel "connected" by using a cell phone but really aren't connected to anything? Movies? Music? Reality televison? Lately, the majority of people I see look dead inside. Battered...beaten...tormented. SLAVES. I then ask myself, "What will these people do when civil unrest and social breakdowns occur in the not so distant future? It's going to be an ugly sight. Well, thank you for reading my thoughts (for anyone that made it to the end). Just the ramblings of a 30 year old male who's losing hope on "people".

Inadequacy: A Formidable Foe

2011-06-27T20:37:00.000-07:00

I think inadequacy is a formidable foe. It has no specific target, raging its weapons of mass destruction against both young and old, rich and poor, etc etc.

Inadequacy picks us out individually from the crowd and tells us to be more like the masses, and it does this to each person in the crowd, individually.

It finds the poorest in society and tells them not to even try because they will fail, just like every other time in their life.

Inadequacy finds us in our weakest moment and threatens to tell everyone about it. It tries to take that single moment and make it a lifestyle for us, an identity. "You are your mistake," it says.

The game of comparison is a favorite scheme of inadequacy. There is always someone with more, always someone happier, always someone more successful, always funnier, always healthier, skinnier, etc. Whatever it is we desire to be, there is always someone else with more. Inadequacy points this out. It does not rest until it breeds resentment and competition inside of us.

Those who suffer from its attacks find themselves never able to rejoice in the successes of others, rejoicing only when seeing them fall and fail.

Inadequacy cripples and paralyzes but it also turns us against each other, never allowing true relationship to happen.

Jealousy, envy, striving, and bitterness. These are the fruits of inadequacy.

Complacency, laziness, and fear of failure are not far behind.

How does this relate to my own story?

Wouldn't I love to have a high paying job in order to provide better for my family? Instead I am stuck at home unable to find quality employment. Inadequacy waits at my door to mock this failure to provide.

Wouldn't I love to give my children a huge house with a room for each of them and plenty of space to play and move? Wouldn't I love to give them a yard with grass to run on and a basketball court out front? Inadequacy plays the game of comparison in my head. Tells me to get jealous and resent those around me who get to buy a house, who have a nice house, who have been blessed with favor to rent a house for cheaper than it is worth.

This is not to mention the long list of on-going taunts:
- You will never finish a book
- You can't sing
- You are not a musician
- People don't like you, they only tolerate you
- You don't have any muscles, you are too skinny
- You haven't accomplished anything, you are falling behind

We treat inadequacy like it doesn't exist. Pretending to be confident and strong. And yet this is the very defense that inadequacy prefers. Isolating each one of us to be slowly devoured by our own thoughts.

Exposure is the only outlet, the only true offense we have against this formidable foe. Write the thoughts out. Get them out. Put them on paper. Say them out loud. Share them with another that you trust. Break down the walls of comparison by partnering with another.

The final word goes out to those suffering with the thought that they are unloveable. There is someone who is reading this who has suffered with that thought to the point that they have subconsciously given up on love. They have lost a sense of hope about the future and it has begun to cause destructive behaviors. It has started to wear down against your self-worth, telling you there is not much value left.

But this is not truth, it is inadequacy whispering to you. Shut the voice of inadequacy by telling it the truth. There is beauty, there is grace, there is true love, and there is hope to discover each of these within yourself and with another still.

When inadequacy comes back remind it of that truth. Allow nothing less than this. For you are a person of immense worth.

Josh Garrels New Album is a Must Have

2011-06-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

I am posting a youtube video for an instrumental song off of Josh Garrel's newest album, "A Far Off Hope." The whole album is amazing simply because there is nothing else like it out there right now. There is so much uniqueness and creativity to this music. I cannot listen to it and say it sounds like anyone else I know of. I hope you enjoy. And the album is free to download from his website here.

Illegal Desires Take My Love Away

2011-06-26T09:19:00.000-07:00

I wonder if it is ok to long for the wrong things?

The heart is so big, there must be plenty of extra room left over for these illegal longings.

Sometimes I see Honda Elements on the road and I long to have one again. I sold mine. But I sold it for a reason, it was not big enough to fit our family. It only seats four, but my heart forgets that.

I drive by the mansions and huge ocean view homes in Edmonds and I long to own a home of my own. I long to have an ocean view and a big yard with a volleyball net. Once I long I go home to our small 2-Bedroom rental. My heart does not understand.

Sometimes I have flash backs of my past and I long to go back. I long to connect with certain people. I wish I could be doing what they are doing. I long to have those opportunities again. I miss the simplicity.

When I am not careful, sometimes my mind dwells in the past. It gets stuck in a place, a moment, that no longer exists. And so my longings trick my reality. They tell me to go back to places that no longer exist and to stay there, pretending it is still real.

My illegal longings keep me from fully engaging with what I do have. It makes me restless. Unsettled.

A restless and unsettled man is not a happy man. This man seeks distraction and entertainment in order to cope with the unhappiness of his situation.

And I think our heart is a much smaller device than we know it to be. Perhaps it feels limitless and without measure, able to take on extra longings and desires, but I believe there is a consequence. I think our heart only has so much room, only so much space, only so many desires at any one time.

So for me to take on these illegal desires is for me to do so at the expense of a more legitimate desire that does need my attention, my affection.

The consequence? While my heart longs for things I will never and should never have, those people and things around me that I do have, suffer. They suffer for lack of affection, lack of emotion, lack of engagement.

There is no emotional connection or commitment made, because there is no room in the heart for it.

It is actually a very sad story, and one we all must put to rest.

Beautiful Things

2011-06-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

True beauty stands out from the rest.

True beauty makes us stop and take notice. It makes us realize how fake and imperfect and superficial all the beauty imitations really are.

It makes us wonder why we ever called those things beautiful. It makes us hate that we committed ourselves to those things, that we spent time admiring their less than perfect beauty.

In my experience, true beauty only seems to show itself for an instant, before vanishing again. It comes out infrequently, as if to remind me that it still exists, that it is still out there, and to make sure not to settle for anything less.

It doesn't stick around for long. It doesn't demand attention. It leaves before you are ready for it to leave.

Because true beauty needs to be desired, sought after. It leaves you wanting more. It leaves you ready to chase, to pursue, because you have finally found something of worth.

Fakes and imitations come and find you. They come in your face and demand to be noticed. They demand our affections and seduce us with their availability. They say to us, "you can have me right now, and as much of me as you want."

But when we have had our fill we realize we are still just as empty as before. We have perhaps even lost something during our consumption.

But true beauty is that perfect balance of completely satisfying and also craving for more.

We need more beautiful things. I think much of the reason that true beauty is so rare is because there is much true beauty that is yet to be discovered. There is much of it hiding, trapped inside each one of us.

True beauty happens when we, each one of us, discover what we were meant to do.

It happens when we recreate life in ourselves and others. It happens when the single mom, who came from a single parent home, stops the cycle by teaching her children the value of true love and relationship.

It happens when we return good for evil. When harm is intended by another, but we choose forgiveness instead of revenge.

It happens when we believe the best in someone before they really deserve it.

It happens when the father lets his prodigal son freely go, only to see him return a broken man, and instead of guilt and shame and lectures, the father gives out hugs and kisses and feasts.

It happens when I stand in my confusion, wondering what to do, how it is going to work out, why life is so confusing and frustrating and redundant, and I can say, "God, you are good."

It happens when I feel joy and sorrow at the same time and I'm ok with it. When a simple hallelujah is all that I am able to muster out of my lips because the tension of what is and what should be is so great.

In the middle of what is and what should be...true beauty lies here.

We need more true beauty. We need to stop falling for the imitations.

And when true beauty hides we need to stop filling the time with whatever is available. We need to hold still and wait for our true love to return.

We need to hold on to our memories, our mementos of that last moment with them, we need the ache in our heart for their return to be present, to remind us that to wait is worth it.

Sacrifice my Emotions for the Sake of Progress

2011-06-09T08:19:00.000-07:00

I help coach our oldest son's basketball team. It was not something I had planned to do. It was almost something I was hoping to avoid. This is not a negative on him in anyway, I just simply didn't want to take on more time commitments.

However we attended the first game and I sat there watching as our team lost by 30 points and I felt myself getting more and more frustrated. I wanted to yell down to the coach and tell him what to adjust and how to play, but I didn't. The game ended and I headed down to confront the coach who had done such a terrible job.

I had an idea in my mind that powered my conversation with him.

What I actually found when I went to talk to him was a man who was tired, who had recently undergone surgery, who doctors thought may never be able to walk correctly again. What I found was a man who had not wanted to coach either, but had needed to because the team and his son had no one else to do it. What I found was a man who was sacrificing more than I was to be there.

So I agreed to help coach and it's actually been really good.

The first part of this post is really a confession of my own wrong doing. I entered into a conversation with a perception my emotions. And when that perception turned out to be false, so then did my emotions. I became someone bringing things into existence that were not true.

I entered into a moment predicting what would happen, what I would say, how they would respond. I had no ability to adjust once there because my preconceived idea was so firmly rooted in my mind. It was not until after that I looked back and realized how poorly I had treated the situation.

I entered in with an iron fist instead of the velvet glove.

And before you start to give me credit for something that is not mine, here is the full quote from William Young, "Paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotions. Most emotions are responses to perception - what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. So check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms - what you believe. Just because you believe something firmly doesn't make it true. Be willing to reexamine what you believe." (from the Shack)

So it is possible to respond in a situation with emotions that are false, emotions that would not normally be yours, emotions that are inappropriate to the moment. And these emotions would happen because you went into the situation with a false idea of what was happening.

As the season has gone on we have continued to lose many of our games. It is unfortunate, but we just simply don't have a lot of really talented athletic players.

I noticed something Tuesday at practice though. The coach huddled everyone together and said, "Hey good news. I just talked to one of the other coaches and found out that the team we are playing on Saturday is really bad. That means we can actually win a game!"

Everyone cheered of course. Who does not like to win. But I realized that statement was setting a perception, a paradigm, a belief in the minds of those kids. It is subtle but powerful still I believe.

What if you were told by someone important to you that you could only win when the person you were playing against was really bad?

What would that tell you about yourself?

A defeated paradigm (the way you think) produces defeated emotions, defeated situations.

A perception that the world is unfair and unjust to you produces bitter and cynical emotions.

A way of thinking that says church is full of hypocrites produces emotions that never allow you to actually find out if that is true or not, because you will never allow someone close enough to find out.

What if we stopped for a moment to examine our paradigms, our perceptions, our emotions to see if we were holding on to any that were false.

Really think about this for a second. What if Ezra was all grown up at 18 and we sent him out of the house on his own. And what if we treated him like he would never win unless the battle was incredibly easy? What if we made it clear we didn't really believe in his abilities to overcome and succeed? What if we made sure to warn him about how dangerous the world was and that if you were not incredibly cautious you would fall into terrible harm?

What kind of son would we be sending out into the world?

Would he succeed and overcome and problem solve at all costs? Or we he fold at the first sign of trouble?

Would he be smart and responsible with his money or would he look for quick fixes and fast happiness because in the back of his mind he knew he had to take it when he could before it was gone, taken away from him?

Would he fight for his marriage when it got tough or would he give up, knowing it was bound to end anyways, believing there was always someone better out there for his wife?

That's incredibly sad to think about. But it exists doesn't it?

For some reason these thoughts are allowed to exist, even in ourselves sometimes. For some reason it feels good for us to partner with these thoughts. For some reason once they get inside our heads they are so difficult to get out.

I found a band (via NBC's the Voice actually) that I have enjoyed lately. Here is a single from them. I would highly recommend you buy it. (also really liked the song "the storm")

Tickets to the Art Show on Sale Now

2011-06-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

countdown, this is the final countdown.
epic or tragic? comedy or tragedy?
am i taking steps in the right direction or one step after another off the launch pad into oblivion.
they say you should have a feeling about these things.
"trust your instincts," they offer.
but it seems that more often than not, time is the only jury worth listening to.
time's verdict comes back true.
this is why when you stand the test of time you have done so fairly and justly.
you have not cheated the system or pretended to be something you are not.

do i succumb or do i press on?
i move essentially into the unknown
reminds me of the photographs of old.
the shutter snaps, the moment of capture ends, but the time of reveal is not yet ready.
it took time to reveal the photograph. the chemicals needed time to set, the image needed time to dry, to become permanent.
and so it feels the same, a moment in time comes and goes, the decision is made to snap the shutter, but it takes time to reveal the true outcome.
good or bad.

so we countdown to a moment where decision must be had.
we make the decision not knowing the outcome, knowing only that the moment to decide has come.
and then we wait.
we either choose to stay the course, day after day, step after step, waiting in uncertainty, standing behind our initial decision;
or we give in, we give up, we walk away, we take it all back.
we can't stand the unknown, we need answers, we need to know why and how and when and who. we do not allow our decision to stand the test of time, because we can not ourselves stand the test of time.

and so it is, this life. it boils down to so many of these individual moments of countdowns, decisions, choices to stay or go, and then outcomes revealed.

we piece these sequences together, with tape, or glue, or whatever we can find to keep it all from falling apart.
we make sense of it, we find the best order we can.
we take a step back sometimes to examine our work, our progress. we find out we do like what we see so we stop and admire for awhile, we focus in on certain parts and really cherish the beauty of it all.
or we find we don't like what we see and so we remove a part, we rearrange, we cut pieces out.
our picture changes. our sequences, our priorities of moments and memories and decisions adjust. we adjust them based on what we see, our perceptions.
our perceptions come to us from time, from experience, from others, from our hurts, our successes, our bias.
it may happen that we change our picture many times, each time thinking we see more clearly than the last.

but at the end of the day we either take a step back (this time farther back than the last) and, big picture, we like what we see or we don't.
and what happens when we don't like what we see? we cry.
a part of us cries because we can't see how it fits together, we don't know why it all matters. we cry because it is too much work, there were too many bad choices, too many disjointed parts to make them all fit together and make anything of worth.
we step back and we cry. and we cry and we cry and we cry.
"it was never supposed to be this way."

maybe you take a step back and you realize your picture looks a lot like the picture of the person you wanted least to be like. you swore your story would never turn out like theirs. you swore it would be different for you.
but here you are and when the countdown comes, you make the same choices, the same decisions, with the same results.
You may try to be more clever in the way you fit these sequences together, you may be better at hiding and disguising, but the similarities are too striking for even you to pass them by.

i want my picture to be beautiful. when i take my steps back i want to see the beauty and be able to admire it. i want others to see the beauty as well. i want them to see the beauty in the sequence and in the way each piece compliments the one next to it. i don't want to be the only one praising my work. because that becomes lonely really quickly, doesn't it?

i want to hold art shows and pass out tickets and i want it to be well attended. i want it to inspire questions and to lead to answers. i want a sense of awe to fill the room as each person individually comes to the same conclusion, "this was no accident."

i want my picture to lead others to the conclusion that this life is no accident, that the beauty of sequence can no longer be attributed to chance. I want to see and to show a plan, and then to see and to show that there must be one behind the plan. an orchestrator. a conductor.

because chaos does not breed security. and we all need a little bit of security. of safety. of warmth.
we all need to know there is more than chance or freak accident.
we need to know that there is more than karma, than give and take, more than good and bad.
we need to know we are not alone.

we need to be able to step back, look at our picture, and see a face.
our face.
we need to take a step back, see a face, our face, and we need to call it beautiful.

because we are, each one of us, full of beauty, full of promise, of expectation.

we are, none of us, freak accidents and moments of chance pieced together.

we are all the culmination of a beautifully orchestrated sequence of events, designed from the beginning for our good, revealed over time to be good, leading us to the conclusion that we are not alone, that there is one who has been watching all along, applauding all along, whispering "good job" and "go this way" all along.

and so we must hold art shows and sell tickets because our art is so unique it must be displayed.

and we must all buy tickets to each other's shows.
because this is a once in a lifetime chance to appreciate true beauty.

and true beauty must be appreciated, mustn't it? otherwise it may not feel as beautiful as it really is.

CALLING ALL ARTISTS! TRUE BEAUTY ON DISPLAY SOON. DON'T MISS YOUR CHANCE TO BE A PART OF THIS HISTORIC EVENT.

i need a ticket.

Sooner than you Think

2011-06-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the Hillsong United album "A Cross..." today and the song "Soon" came on.

The chorus goes like this:

I will be with the One I love,
with unveiled face I'll see Him.

Then my soul, will be satisfied,
soon and very soon.

It was one of those moments that you realize you are supposed to sit up and take notice of something important.

I got the sense that this message was real and for right now.

I believe things are going to happen sooner than we think. I believe things that are imagined for the future are going to start happening right now. Good things that have been promised and we have had dreams about are going to start happening.

I know for us this message has really big significance. We are in the midst of finding new employment, new housing, new schools, really discovering gifts and passions that have been locked up for years and years. There is so much we are waiting to see, so much that is to be revealed.

To think about all those things being revealed soon and very soon is an amazing thought. I hope this is an encouraging thought for you as well!

Pandora's Box

2011-06-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have the feeling of just wanting to take it all back? Like wanting to go back in time and just reverse all the decisions you just made?

You are in a moment, and in that moment something happens, gets said, you see something, and shortly there after you realize your life has just been impacted permenantly.

You realize there is no taking it back. There is no unhearing what was just said or unseeing what you just saw.

Sure, time is the great healer. And sure, there is forgiveness to be had and reconciliation to be made. But there is a certain truth to the fact that there are no mulligans, no take-backs, no do-overs sometimes.

I like to think of this as Pandora's Box.

I had to look up the origin of the term this morning. I was curious. Pandora references a greek woman, made by the gods, who was given a jar and told never to open it. She was also bestowed with many great gifts and qualities of strength. One of these gifts was curiousity. Eventually her curiousity told her to open the lid and she listened.

Upon opening the jar, it is said that all manner of evil spilled out. The evils ran throughout the earth causing pain and sorrow. Here is an account I found on another website:

Terrified, Pandora closed the lid. But the gods, feeling a little sorry for what they were about to do, had put, among the evil creatures, a good one whose task was to heal the wounds of the body and soul. This wonderful creature was Hope. When Pandora's box was opened again, Hope managed to fly away and to go around the world and heal the wounds produced by the plagues. But, as she escaped much later, she is always the last one to arrive. That's why, when people are harassed by problems, the only thing that helps them go ahead is hope.

Until today I did not know that hope had also been put in Pandora's box. I find incredible wisdom in that detail of the story.

I love to think that about the principle that where evil abounds, grace abounds that much more.

Whenever evil or mistake or tragedy or sorrow exists, so also exists the possibility of hope. Or perhaps the need for hope. For how can we go on living with this pain without the hope of future where healing has happened.

So the true point of the story of Pandora is that although curiosity can open things that should never be opened, and that although evil is bad and dangerous and powerful, hope is all the more powerful. Even when things appear to be at their worst and unfixable, hope exists as a cure of the pain, a healing for the festering wound.

It is only natural, I think, to sit in the midst of our Pandora moment and sob. We sob and worry for what has been released, for the evils that cannot be undone. We feel pain either for ourself or for the person who has opened the box. We feel the weight of the decision. We understand the shame of sin and the corrosive qualities of evil. But we have a responsibility to look back into the Pandora moment, to open the box again, and to pull out the final remaining ingredient, hope.

In the Pandora moment, we have a responsibily to release hope.

"How could he do that?" -doesn't matter, release hope

"That is not like them at all!!" -release hope

"I'll never forget what they did to me!" -then evil wins and is allowed to reign, unless you release hope

"Why did I watch that?? Why did I do that??!! I hate myself!" -healing happens when we release hope. release it over yourself.

I googled "there is always hope" and found a couple images that I would love to share. Please enjoy.

The Delicate Balance of Give and Take

2011-05-25T10:55:00.000-07:00

It's a weird balance between independence and realizing we need others.

It's a fine line between supporting yourself and then gracefully accepting the charity of others.

It is, I think, a revolutionary time in our lives, when we realize we could do everything on our own, but it was never designed to be that way.

It is a moment of epiphany when we are able to stop trying to prove something with our self-reliance, and instead realize the best example we can set is that of a partnership. A community.

I thought about this today because as I was leaving Walnut Street Cafe a woman got up out of her chair and opened the door for me. Now this would probably be pretty weird if it was just me, but in this case I was pushing Abigail in the stroller, holding a cup of coffee in the other hand and Penelope was sleeping in the child carrier backpack attached to my chest.

I could have opened the door for myself. I could have been annoyed that someone thought I needed help. I could have wanted to prove that I could do this whole stay at home dad thing by myself. But it was nice not having to open the door. I said thank you, accepted a compliment as to the cuteness of the girls, and went on my way, happier than when I had come.

A Foreign Destination

2011-05-24T09:53:00.000-07:00

I wonder why we all stopped to take notice of a random man's prediction that the world was to come to an end on the specific day of his choosing. I wonder why these words carried so much weight for us. Why did we all subconsciously breathe a sigh of relief when the clock ticked past 6 PM last Saturday? I mean, it was a crazy prediction right?

Perhaps there are some of us waiting for the end to come? Perhaps we wait because we are no longer sure there is anything good left to happen for us. No contribution left to make.

Perhaps we wait for the end because we are so very tired.

Perhaps there are those of us wanting to believe in something that is real. Discontented with the shams, and the shows, and the posturing, and the salesman, waiting for something to be real. Perhaps we want some crazy prediction to come true because then at least we would have proof that there is something real in this life.

And then I think there were those of us scared that the prediction was going to be true for we had not finished our running yet. It was as if we had unexpected dinner guests and yet we had not returned from the store, we had not yet been able to make our preparations. We had done no cooking, no cleaning, we had not even finished deciding what to buy. We were still stuck in the same aisle, looking at the shelves, the products, the choices, still deciding what we were going to pick up, put in our baskets, purchase, and call our own.

How could we possibly be prepared for dinner guests when all this indecision still remained?

I know a man right now who is hiding, waiting for the end to come, not sure what else he has to contribute to this life. He sits and waits for the end because he feels his one good chance in life has passed him by. "I messed it up and there is no going back," he seems to say.

This man values the rapture simply for the closure it offers him.

I know a girl who boarded the wrong train. It was an innocent mistake. Her previous train had made a stop, it looked inviting, she got out and then the train left. With nowhere left to go and no other transportation she found the next train pulling into the station and got aboard. Who could blame her? She did not like the feeling of being stuck in one spot. Sticking it out when you feel you have no movement is ridiculously hard, not for the faint of heart.

But the hardest part of boarding the wrong train is then getting home. Unfamiliar territory, strangers, who can be trusted, what's the best route, is it worth the effort?

The rapture for her is her ticket home.

What if home was safe again? What if we all remembered, realized the value of home? What if we all came home?

We stopped hiding, stopped running, and came home.

My eyes fixed to the horizon and I realized the sun was dropping below the hillside again, marking the end of another day. My surroundings mirrored nothing that my heart had ever longed for. I yearned with sorrow, my heart ached with pain. These clothes were not my own. This was not my home and yet it was here that I had made my bed. My back had been turned for so long. My legs had betrayed my true identity as they pushed me farther and farther away from home. I companioned with my mistakes, my hurt, my wounds, my past, my unfair treatment. Our conversation was not stimulating, no, it was very circular in nature. Round and round we went, always saying the same things, always ending with the same conclusion; poor, poor me.

And poor is what I had become. I reached my hand into my empty pockets and emptied the nothingness into my open palm. Grasping at thin air, trying to make something from nothing, thinking I could keep running without ever feeling tired. These were the impossibilities I worked so hard to accomplish day after day. And here was again another day ending, another day of absence, of lack, another lonely night approached. My discontent pushed me farther than I would normally go.

"Why are you still here?"

I didn't know.

"Then why stay? Why not go home?"

Something stopped me, physically, their arms all over me, holding me back. My mistakes, hurts, wounds, past, my unfair treatment, none of them wanted me to leave. We had become so close after all.

"Don't you miss the warmth?"

When I thought about what I missed it was too much to bear. When my mind was allowed to venture off into warmth, love, and happiness, it became too much for my tired frame to bear. The longing in my heart was an ache too powerful for my hurts. A rapture of emotions cascaded from the center of my being, ripples beginning in my depths extending to my extremities. The vibrations of truth shook lose the grips of my companions. My heart was now set on a destination to which they could no longer follow.

I returned home, taking my first steps through the gate, step by step towards the front door. My feet now resting on the mat that read, "Welcome Home." Before I could even knock, the knob turned and the wait was over. In an instant my foreign status melted away as a familiarity took over and the warmth that I had so desperately craved poured out from inside the house. A single look, a smile, an embrace. I was home. I was finally home.

Public Declaration

2011-05-10T10:17:00.000-07:00

I often wonder why our words, spoken out loud, or in print, for others to hear or read, carry so much weight. There is an element of "no-return" to a public confession. When thoughts remain in our heads we can deny them, run from them, hold on to them like a secret. But once those thoughts leave our bodies and enter the public arena, we are bound to them. Our name is attached to them.

We become an embodiment of our thoughts, our opinions, our public confessions. This is why I think the writer of Proverbs mentions so many times the foolishness of speaking careless words, of running our mouths just for the sake of hearing ourselves talk. We become tied to the things we say, the things we agree with. A single outburst of anger, and we are now known as an angry person. A single lie, and we are no longer trustworthy. A show of selfishness and now people try to keep their distance from you, lest you try to take too much from them.

I thought of a few of the more formal public confessions we engage in:

When testifying in court: public confession of the truth
When getting married: public confession of love
When getting baptized: public confession of faith

In these cases, our public confessions bind us to truth, love, and faith. What happens then when we no longer want to be bound? When we want to walk away from truth, from love, from faith?

I will only address the last two here today, as I have no legal background to draw from.

Love:

Divorce can happen with a simple piece of paper and a couple of signatures, but are we really unbound from our commitment? I think often times our commitment follows us, haunting us.

Here are statistics: The percentage of divorce rate for those in their second marriage is anywhere from 60-74%. The percentage of divorce rate for third marriages is up at 74-85%.

If we never unbind from our initial public confession, we never allow ourselves the ability to truly commit to love again. We don't allow it, because we don't have it to give.

I think the same principle holds true for dating relationships as well. Our public confession of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend," ties our identity to this other person. We can walk away from the person, but the tie, the identity remains attached.

Indicators we may still be attached:

If we find ourselves saying:

"I always thought I would end up with them"
"She was the one for me"
"I still don't understand what went wrong"

If we find ourselves thinking:

About the other person constantly, in a longing way
That no one else could love me like they did
It's too much work to love another person like that
I don't want to take the risk of loving again
What's the point?

All of these may be indicators that you have left something very valuable behind in your last relationship.

Your future relationships will suffer until you go back and get it.

Faith:

The public confession of faith comes for many through water baptism, but perhaps also through the sharing of a testimony, or a commitment to follow Christ and ask Him into your heart made in front of a group of people.

A single experience of faith, with God, with Jesus, leaves behind an imprint. The imprint is the proof, the evidence, that there is something more than what we see. A single experience like this binds us to the truth, it binds us to an idea of perfect love, is leaves an inscription on our hearts. This inscription, even its most very faint form, remains faithful to its cause, to remind us of the One who will remain faithful to us until the end.

Proverbs 3:3, "Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart."

Proverbs 7:2-4, "Keep my commandments and you will live; guard my teachings as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart. Say to wisdom, 'You are my sister,' and to insight, 'You are my relative.'"

There is this little piece inside each one of us that bears witness to the truth. Not the truth that you need to be a Christian, or need to go to church, or tithe, or do more, or be more selfless. None of those.

This piece inside bears witness to the truth that is our purest identity. This idea of, at the core of it all, what we were designed to be. Our personality, our design, our passions, our destiny, our unique mannerisms, our quirky way of thinking, our accomplishments that change the world around us for the better.

This little piece is like our reset button, our backup file, the source code, the founding constitutional document, it's the way for us, whenever we access it, to truly discover again what we were originally created to be.

It is far too easy to forget. Far to easy to be burdened with responsibilities, with guilt, with shame. Far to easy to sit back and blame lost time, to say there is not enough time left, to say we missed our chance. Far to easy to sit back and blame others, their words, their actions. Far to easy to sit back and be cynical because you never got your fair chance. Because you never were respected like you deserved. It's even easier to sit back and blame ourselves, for our mistakes, our sins, our actions that took us away from who we were made to be.

But through ALL OF THIS sits that little piece of truth buried inside, bound to us for eternity, that wars against the rest of us. This piece irritates all those above thoughts: the guilt, the shame, the blame. It never allows us to be truly content with those thoughts. It is so bound to who we are, that we will never be able to truly find peace until we access it.

What does it look like when this piece wars with the rest or ourselves?

Anger,
depression,
impatience,
addictions,
fear of the unknown,
fear of failure,
a tendency to run from any opposition,
a general mindset that we are a victim, that we can never truly overcome

And so these characteristics, when present, bear witness to a truth. These characteristics that we hate, that the world hates, that people classify as character flaws, are in fact public confessions of a higher truth. A truth that we cannot deny.

The truth that there is a God who created this whole world just so we would search, and hunt, and poke around in the dark, only to come to this final conclusion. The truth that we were created for love, for relationship, and for faithfulness. The truth that there is an individual purpose set aside for each one of us.

What if we could truly unbind from all our past relationships?

What if we could make new, lasting public confessions of truth, love, and faith?

What if we accessed that little piece inside of ourselves, to discover our true identity?

What if we saw character flaws not as a hinderance, but as an opportunity, an invitation?

I've decided to make a public declaration for myself and I invite you to do the same, because once we publicly confess we are bound to the words, and these are words I want to be bound to.

This post written by Derek Gillette, an active pursuer of true identity for himself, his family, and those around him. He is never content with half-truths, cover-ups, or excuses. He passionately believes there are no lost causes. His life motto defines him, "There is always hope."

Don't Judge a Book by its Cover

2011-05-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

I cleaned out my bookcases about a year and a half ago. The motivation was an attempt to get rid of all unnecessary objects in our house since we were going to be moving in just a couple months. I love my books. My dream home has a library, an entire room dedicated to the storage of literary works. The room is tall, lined with in-set bookshelves floor to ceiling. While we're at it, we should probably throw in one of those ladders that hang on the walls in giant libraries.

So then, cleaning out books, reducing my library, goes against my long-term plans, but it made sense for the short term. I gathered several boxes full of books, loaded them in the car, and drove down to the U-district. There were a couple of used book stores there that I had been to a couple times. I knew that they bought used books. I knew this because each store had giant signs in the windows saying just that.

I brought my treasure in to the first shop and the proprietor began to sort through the books, "I'll let you know when I'm done," she said. So I browsed about for a bit. I came back to her awhile later and she had neatly stacked all but two of my books back into my boxes. "There's not a huge demand for '80's era theology books," was her explanation. The two books she kept? Two Donald Miller books.

I went to the second store, same story. They ended up taking one other book, can't remember which one, but they did not see a huge demand for my precious books either.

I ended up dropping them off at the Goodwill on the way back home. The man at the drop-off location took my box, turned it upside down, and dumped it into his cart. Treasure, welcome to the multitude. It must be a rough transition from prominently kept and displayed to buried amongst other no-owner discarded goods. I felt bad for my books. I know they are not people, but sometimes I pretend inanimate objects have feelings. Personification is the proper term for such a delusion.

I suppose there are quite a few times in our lives that we make this transition.

Place of respect to place of disrespect.
Place of wealth to place of poverty.
Place of pride to place of shame.
Place of being appreciated to place of being forgotten.
Place of trust to place of suspicion.

The real question is, what happened to my books after I left that day? Some were probably more valued than others, simply because of visual appearance, the name on the outside, the condition of the cover. These were perhaps purchased and prominently displayed again quite quickly. Others are maybe still sitting on the shelves there, even after more than a year.

How long does restoration take? For some it is fast, for others, still on-going.

How long do we wait for restoration before we give up hope?

I think the lowest point for a book would have to be when they are valued more for their paper than for their content.

I knew a girl once who used to find old books at used book stores and would rip out the pages, throw them away, and replace them with blank pages. She made them into journals. Really cool looking journals. I thought about doing that, I even bought a large lot of really cool looking old books from a shop in New York. I got them home and went to begin the process, but I couldn't. Something stopped me. I probably couldn't define it at the time, but looking back I knew I couldn't take their true identity from them like that. I knew my role was to restore and not to destroy. I never got to have my really cool looking journals.

The lowest point for us too then is when we begin to be valued more for our appearance than our content. The lowest point happens when we give in to that pressure and allow ourselves to be looked at in that way, to be treated like that.

The absolute lowest point happens when we begin to pursue those kinds of relationships, the kind that value our appearance over our content.

The very bottom lowest point comes when, after seeking out those relationships for so long, we begin to forget that we even have anything else to offer. We forget that there ever used to be any content. We forget that at one point we were more than just a cool looking cover filled with someone else's pages.

How long are we willing to wait for restoration before we give up?

Thus, it still remains a good rule of thumb, don't judge a book by its cover.

Instrumental

2011-05-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday to all.

Here are a couple instrumental songs that I have enjoyed. I wanted to share them.

Both of them are from Sleeping at Last and both have come out as a part of their Yearbook Project.

The first one is called "Segue" and the other is "The Ash is in our Clothes."

Abigail has always been really into dancing. In fact, she even plays one of our Kinect dancing games. She tries to move around like the people on the screen do. It's pretty funny. A perfect demonstration that music moves people.

Hopefully you enjoy,

Derek

A Crack in the Armor

2011-04-26T07:52:00.000-07:00

We are drawn to heroes with flaws, aren't we?

It seems to be a human condition that we desire to see one single individual overcome all odds, overcome their own weaknesses to beat back evil for one more day. I said human condition, but perhaps it is just an American thing. Perhaps it traces its roots all the way back to our uprising against the tyrannical British rule. The ultimate underdog wins situation. Perhaps we all have inside of us a desire to recreate that somehow.

I think also that we like heroes we can relate to. I think that a perfect hero, with superpowers or without, is the type of person we secretly loathe. We loathe them because all they do is point out in us all the areas that need improvement. If only I could be like that then I wouldn't have all these problems. When we sit down at night to relax, we want to see a hero with flaws, just like us, not something or someone else to make us feel guilty.

Batman constantly ran from his past, from the murder of his parents. I always thought the best episodes were the ones when scarecrow caused his dreamworld to come to life and we actually got to see the horror in his mind that he lived with everyday.

Jack Bauer from the series 24 is another example of a flawed hero. If you watch through all 8 seasons you see a man who loses everything, has suffered everything, still suffers emotionally from his experiences, and yet makes the right choice day in and day out. There is a moment in each season I believe when we see everything catch up with him and he just breaks down and cries, or his body doubles over in pain, his flawed heroic body can only carry so much before it too breaks.

Hugh Laurie's character House is a flawed genius, a hero of sorts. Broken at the very core of who he is as a person, all his actions, heroic or not, come from that place. Although his words are harsh and his emotions seem non-existent, there is something that draws sympathy. You cheer for him to overcome his drug addictions, his emotional inadequacies, his unethical behavior, you cheer for him to once again save a life that no other doctor could save.

I think along with the appeal of a flawed hero is the lone ranger idea. The idea that, if we wait for back up to come things will go very smoothly, but it will be much less dramatic and risky. A perfect hero waits for back-up and that's what annoys us about them so much. "Stop playing it safe!" we shout at them. The flawed hero rushes past Mr. Perfect, into the burning building, risking his life all because his daughter also died in a burning building at a young age and he can't stand to see that happen again, "Get out of my way!! I'm going in!!" He doesn't care the cost, or the consequences, or the rules. We love that. I think of this example as it played out with Clint Eastwood in "Unforgiven." At the end of the movie, after trying to be sober, to do the right thing, make the perfect choices, he comes back to his flawed self to get justice on his terms. An epic example of a flawed hero playing the lone ranger. He walks into the bar and begins to shoot everyone responsible for his pain, everyone he thinks deserves to be brought to his justice.

The principle carries over for us in life though too I think. How often are we pushing and pushing on our own just to accomplish, just to say we did it, just to be stubborn. How very rarely do we ask for help? How much are we all trying to prove something to our parents, our siblings, our co-workers, our spouses, our kids? How much do we need them all to stop and take notice of our heroics, our accomplishments?

And almost, how good does it feel to still hold on to those places of brokenness, just to be able to overcome them from time to time? It almost feeds this emotional hole to sit in a place of brokenness, just to feel something. I hold on to my memories, my past, my hurts, I can go back to those places anytime I want to, whenever I need to feel something. How many of us do this? My heroic actions come out of this place, because I am a flawed hero, I overcome with the stakes are high. But the rest of the time I sit alone in my apartment wishing I could go back in time, or fix things, etc etc.

I think flawed heroes have one fatal flaw though, is a majority of the time, they end up alone. Batman (alone), Superman (alone), Jack Bauer (alone), House (alone). They have love interests, and passing connections, but in the end they either die or get pushed away.

Brokenness can never recreate life. Brokenness can pretend for a season, it can hide for awhile, but in the end it always comes to the surface. A flawed hero is fun to watch, but from a distance. Nobody wants to come home to a flawed hero after a long stressful day at work, because he probably hasn't done the dishes, again.

When Ice Cream becomes a Job

2011-04-20T09:09:00.000-07:00

Ice cream is like a dream come true when you are a kid. You love ice cream. You love it! You know you do!

It is so creamy and so delicious and there is a flavor for everyone. Ice cream really signifies a pause, a moment to stop, because you can only eat ice cream so fast. If you eat it any faster your brain freezes and you scream out in pain. There is no rushing ice cream.

I think of a job as something you have to do each day (or whatever your schedule is). It is a responsibility you cannot avoid. The transition from free time to job simply means you are no longer in complete control of how you spend your time. Now jobs can be fun and they can incorporate elements of your free time, but ultimately, the work has to get because it has to get done.

Responsibility can melt ice cream faster than the sun at 1:15PM on a sidewalk in rural Alabama, especially if the ice cream is sitting in a metal bowl.

Imagine sitting down to a nice peaceful relaxing bowl of ice cream when suddenly a giant clock comes up behind you and starts ticking very loudly. The ticking is right in your ear so you cannot miss it. The ticking seems to be getting faster. It is picking up the pace. You feel your heart start to keep pace with the ticking.

Suddenly, in front of you, and out of no where, two men and one woman in fancy black suits are there all staring at you with solemn faces. Each one is wearing a gold wrist watch and while they stare at you they are pointing at their watches over and over as if to say, "Your time is running out."

Responsibility has invaded your ice cream time. A deadline has been imposed. You rush to finish but you eat too fast now. The roof of your mouth begins to get colder and colder. Your tongue tries to warm it up but with no success. You pile scoop after scoop into your mouth, faster and faster. At this point your brain starts to scream in pain. "AHHAHAHAHAHHHH!" The freezing has set in and a lightening bolt of headache and agony surge through your body. You feel your will getting weaker and weaker. How much more can you endure????

You being to cry, "I don't want anymore ice cream!!" "I didn't know it was going to be like this!" "I thought it was going to be fun and delicious!"

But there is no escaping responsibility. You know you have no choice but to finish and so you do it with a whimper and sob.

The bowl now sits empty and the clock leaves (for now). The three in well dressed attire have left as well. You are left with an empty feeling, like something has been taken from you. A sinking feeling remains. Ice cream used to be fun, what happened?

And thus the point remains, ice cream is fun until it becomes a job.

Comments?

We all Want the Sun but We all Need the Rain

2011-04-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

I went to write words today but I realized i couldn't say them any better than this. I hope it's as powerful for you as it was for me.

Anthony Skinner "I Climbed a Mountain" (make sure you listen to the youtube video for this one)

i climbed a mountain
suffered a valley or two
hid in a black forest for near a years

i swam an ocean
i knew a true friend
i watered my garden now with near a million tears

i don't know the difference
anymore
just so long as you're here i know what I'm here for

I broke an oath
i hurt someone else
i couldn't go the distance so i just saved myself

then i fought for justice
was a voice for a man
and he couldn't speak for himself and i just seemed to understand

and i don't know the difference
anymore
just so long as you're here
i know what i'm here for

and i felt the glory
and i shared the pain
you know we all want the sun
but you know we all need the rain

just so long as you're here
i know what i'm here for

Samuel Johnson-He Wrote a Dictionary

2011-04-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

I ran across this story today and found it very interesting. The page I referenced to write this can be found here.

I just think this story is cool because of the constant adversity he faced and because out of his adversity and perseverance came an amazing work, something our language is still based on today. Many of the definitions he used can still be found in our current dictionaries.

He was essentially a nobody, an ugly nobody, with no money and with a family history of mental disease and depression. And from that reality he created the first dictionary of England. Read below for a few more details.

His story begins as a story of suffering. While a nursing infant, his mother gave him to another woman for nursing since she could not herself produce enough milk. From this he developed a case of tuberculosis. Later in his early childhood he contracted a case of smallpox. Both of these diseases left his face completely disfigured.

Fearing any kind of sympathy Samuel began a life of proving he could do anything without anyone's help. His father was a boxer and taught him how to street fight. At the age of 3 he was walking home from school by himself when his nurse did not show up on time.

His problem going forward was a lack of money. His family could only afford to send him to one year at Oxford, after that he had no access to college.

Johnson began to suffer from severe depression, a disease that came over his life more than once. As well, his father suffered from mental illness and Samuel always feared the same result for himself.

In his state of depression came his wife. He married her and she brought happiness for him and a large sum of money.

With this money he opened a school, failed to gain enough pupils, and within a year he had lost both his marriage fortune and the school.

This failure did not slow him down though and he continued to live out life with determination and generosity.

From there a history of small writing projects and small sums of money eventually led him to be contracted by a group of publishers to write the first dictionary of England. He does so in 9 years, compared to the 70 years it took the group to write the Oxford Dictionary later on in history. Pretty amazing stuff.

Because of his work on the dictionary he was granted an honorary Master of Arts degree (the college dregree he always wanted but could never afford) and was granted an annual pension by Parliment, enough for him to live off of (the money he could never seem to hold on to).

Shortly after this his wife died which led to more depression. After that he he was working 9 years on a Shakespear commentary, and more depression came.

Johnson continued to fight depression and the threat of mental illness his whole life. He battled with an idea that he would fail and that he would go crazy.

During these times he wrote essays. The lines below are from those essays.

We are more pained by ignorance than delighted by instruction
The natural flights of the human mind are not from pleasure to pleasure, but from hope to hope.
Men more frequently require to be reminded than informed.
The vanity of being known to be entrusted with a secret is generally one of the chief motives to disclose it.
Whatever is proposed, it is much easier to find reasons for rejecting than embracing.

Johnson suffered a stroke on June 17th, 1783. While suffering the stroke he prayed to God that He save his mind and take his body. That wish was honored as his body began to slowly deteriorate while his mind stayed intact. He finally passed away on December 13th, 1784, free of pain killers, saying he wanted to meet his maker with an unclouded mind.

Within and not Without

2011-04-11T07:43:00.000-07:00

2 Corinthians 6:14-18 (New King James Version)

¹⁴ Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? ¹⁵ And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? ¹⁶ And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you^[a] are the temple of the living God. As God has said:

      “ I will dwell in them
      And walk among them.
      I will be their God,
      And they shall be My people.”^[b]

¹⁷ Therefore
      “ Come out from among them
      And be separate, says the Lord.
      Do not touch what is unclean,
      And I will receive you.”^[c]
       ¹⁸ “ I will be a Father to you,
      And you shall be My sons and daughters,
      Says the LORD Almighty.”^[d]

Has this passage ever confused anyone else? I mean it seems pretty straight forward until we compare it to the way Jesus approached "unbelievers." His whole agenda was breaking through the barriers to reach out and actually physically touch those who were considered unclean. The whole religious society of the day was set up with barriers. Who you can and cannot associate with, etc.

So then maybe the passage is only talking about marriage? Not sure on that, but maybe.

Here is an excerpt from another website on the comparison towards marriage:

"The phrase "unequally yoked together" is the translation of just one Greek word, heterozugeo, which is a compound word that means, "to yoke up differently; to associate discordantly; unequally yoke together." It is used but this one time in the Bible.
The word "yoke" means a coupling as when two oxen are coupled or yoked together by a pulling beam to do work such as plowing a field or pulling a wagon."

I was thinking about this today and wondering if perhaps the unequally yoked happened on the inside of us. What if we had partnered with something unclean, something not from God? What if we had partnered with it so much that it had become yoked to us? What if it had been yoked to us so long that we no longer could separate it from ourselves, we could no longer tell what was from God and what was not. We could no longer tell the difference between us and the idea.

What if I believed an idea about myself that was not true, not from God, and not clean?

^{-I'm too old to achieve much else with my life}
^{-I'm too shy to ever be a leader}
^{-I've made too many mistakes in my life}
^{-I missed my chance}
^{-People don't like me because I am weird}
^{-I have a problem with such and such, I will always have this problem}
^{-I will always be poor}
^{-Life is not fair}
^{-This person doesn't like me and never will}
^{-God is not good}
^{-Healing can't and doesn't happen}

Allowing these things to remain in my head would then make it somewhat difficult to truly welcome God's presence into my body, the Temple of the Holy Spirit.

That's my thought anyways.

So maybe it's more like, welcome the unclean to your table, welcome those in their filthy rags and when they are thirsty give them something to drink. Do not fear the evil for you will drink deadly poison and snakes will attack you and it's all no big deal, you will be protected because I [Jesus] am leaving you with something greater than myself, and greater works than mine will you do. But be very careful to protect your body, the temple of this newfound companion the Holy Spirit, for this temple is the very temple of God and must be kept clean and free from all foreign substances.

I think taking this kind of approach would help me to be a better son-in-law, a better dad, a better husband, a better stay at home dad, a better member of a community. And these are all areas I could stand to be better in.

Dads who Dream

2011-04-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

I was picturing writing a children's book today as I was driving. This is how I pictured it.

There is a father on the page. He is holding a newborn little boy. There is a dream bubble above his head. Inside the bubble is the same scene that is now taking place.

He says, "When I closed my eyes at night I saw you. I dreamt of you in my sleep. I saw a little boy and that boy was you. I kept dreaming of you. I never stopped."

The father is happy.

The pages turns and the dream bubbles cover the pages.

Inside the bubbles are more dreams. Dreams of the boy walking, saying his first words, and eating solid food. The dreams show the boy riding a bike and going off to school.

The dreams don't stop, they show a boy growing up, into a teenager, a young man. They show a man of strong character, with dreams and passions of his own.

It's a dream within a dream now. The father dreaming of the dreams of his son. It is these dreams of the son that power the son's decisions. He has a vision for his life and never stops believing that it will one day come to pass. Just like his father never stopped dreaming about him.

The book ends with the father, now a grandfather, laying in bed, his son at his bedside.

The father looks up into his son's eyes one last time, "You were my dream come true."

With that the son embraces his father, tears running down his face, as he finally understood, "You never stopped dreaming about me."

The End.

I don't know if that is much of a kids book, but I still think it would be pretty good. Dads who dream. Pretty cool.

Can You See Me Now?

2011-04-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

The Introduction

"The evidence of things unseen" is an interesting phrase. I think it appeals to people.

The Source

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."

The Heart of the Matter

It is weird that something unseen could have substance. If we insert invisible instead of unseen perhaps it makes more sense to our minds, because we understand that something invisible still has substance. We know that if we reached out and touched someone who was invisible, we would be able to feel them.

We know this because we have seen shows and cartoons where invisible people get painted, or have flour thrown on them or water, and thus they appear to our natural eyes.

But what if we still thought of unseen not as invisible, but as something that exists in a realm that neither our senses of touch or sight can pick up on?

The List

1. A Promise that Was Made

When we hear a promise, we first go into our heads and ask ourselves if we trust this person who is making the promise. If we do, then the substance of this thing hoped for, becomes more real. But if we don't then the promise has little substance.

I think of this with the kids. It takes only a few times of me making a promise and then not following through on it before my words begin to carry less and less substance.

2. A Gift not yet Given

When Christmas comes, the boxes under the tree are gifts that are unseen yet carry substance. A good gift promotes more hope, more excitement, more substance for next year. Enough bad gifts and the hoping stops, no one cares about the substance anymore because no one wants the unseen gift.

3. A Truth I Want to Believe

There is truth that is hoped for, no matter the odds. "My dad loves me." It is hard for a son, no matter the evidence presented to him, to give up on this truth.

How it all relates:

I felt like God asked me to leave my job. I felt it about a month ago, I put in my two weeks notice that next day and my final day of employment was last Friday.

I hoped in a truth that I could not see. I believed that if God was asking me to do something He would then be faithful to provide me with the resources I needed to take care of my family.

I believed that He had not created and destined me to work in a place that did not fully put to use my passions and gifts. I believed He did not create me unique just to force me to fit into the mediocrity.

My Final Thoughts

If I close my eyes does it help me to better see the unseen? In other words, when I close my eyes is it your face that I see?

Responsibility has substance and I can see it. I stare it in the face everyday.

Money has substance. I use it every day.

A smart career path has substance. I know because it seems I may have just thrown it away last week.

But there is a truth that I want so badly to believe in, "My Dad loves me."

A Final Story

A 27 year old is walking down the street and stops suddenly. He no longer moves, no more steps are taken. He stops and he stands in one place. 30 minutes pass and he has not moved. People pass by on either side, annoyed with the distraction. 4 hours later he still stands in the same place. The sun has set and risen again now, and still he stands. He stands until the day has turned on top of itself, 24 hours have now passed and he stands in the same exact spot as he did at the exact same time yesterday. An entire day has passed without any movement on his part. Is he in the same spot?

I would argue no.

An Epic Battle you Will Never See

2011-03-24T18:57:00.000-07:00

I read a blog post one time that referenced the appropriate age to let your children watch star wars. To this father it was unthinkable to allow them to watch this epic battle of good vs. evil before the age of 13...and even at 13 it might be too young.

He reasoned that kids younger than 13 would not understand the battle of these unseen forces. He thought the beauty of the struggle would be lost on them, and thus, what's the point.

It was not enough that they like the movie for the cool light saber fights or jet fighters or weird characters, etc. They needed to appreciate the movie for the right reasons.

I think I can understand where he is coming from.

I think about this concept sometimes when I hear young pop stars singing their songs on the radio. 13 year olds singing about love and loss and pain and struggle, etc. I think to myself what do they really know of these issues at that age?

I guess this slightly ruins the song for me. Not that I necessarily liked the song anyways.

We have a lot of change coming up for us, our family.

A change in jobs, a restarting of a job, a switch in roles.

But then also potential change coming soon. Housing, cars, finances, jobs.

I guess the thing that gets me about all of this is the resistance. The unseen forces that you feel when you try to make a change for the better.

I know some people who may avoid change just to keep routine. That is not us in any way. But there is this sense that change attracts opposition.

It is almost like the Star Wars story. Forces at work that bring sickness, bring unseen expenses, bring roadblocks, bring dishonest people who take, and the forces keep on bringing.

I know the kids witness the change. They see the new car. They see the change in jobs, roles. But they only see if for the visible aspects. They see more fun or less fun, pretty things, new things, broken things, fixed things, etc.

They don't really see the forces at work that pull on us. The opposition that tells us to give up, to stop trying, that you will never win, never get ahead.

Just today a took the DISC assessment. The quiz asks you to list a set of 4 characteristics from 1-4 depending on the order that they describe you.

I felt like so many of the questions had some combination of a choice of fear, or worry, or insecurity.

And I had to rank those last. Everytime. Because fear and worry will never describe me. I will never choose those as characteristics of myself. Never.

Why?

Because fear is the path to the dark side.

An Enemy Bigger than our Apathy

2011-03-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

As you may know I find a lot of inspiration in music. I love to hear a story played out to the sound of music. Each note seems to tell another part of the story. Beautiful really.

Here is a song by Mumford & Sons that I wanted to pass along. It's called "I Gave you All."

Here is the line that spoke to me the most: "If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won"

Everywhere we go and with all sorts of people we hear complaints, we see things that are wrong, situations to be fixed, injustice that runs rampant in the streets, but complaints are all that we respond with sometimes.

Perhaps apathy runs through the streets as rampantly as injustice sometimes?

There is a force that causes us to sit back sometimes isn't there? A force that keeps us on the sidelines so that we become spectators of our own lives. "Bad call ref!" and "Who's the coach of these bums??!?" and "Try harder. Keep running. Go to the ball!"

At this point we are shouting at ourselves aren't we?

I tell the boys sometimes, "Who is the only person you can control? Yourself."

I don't think this is a call to action, maybe more of a call to reflection. To question. To think.

I was reading a book today and came across an entry that paralleled this discussion.

"God does not measure success by results, but by the faithfulness we display....Ezekiel was sent to a rebellious nation; a hard people who would oppose him all his life. He was to give the word of the Lord constantly to people who would ignore him; attack him personally; and fail to respond to his ministry. Israel did not heed his words and eventually went into bondage and exile. How do you measure his success? It lies in the fact that Ezekiel faithfully prophesied the word of the Lord for more than two decades and then went into exile with them."
--Graham Cooke from Secret Sayings Hidden Meanings

He went into exile with them. He realized so much that the people were his prize and not his problem that he refused to abandon them. He operated above his apathy.

At this point we may say, "Weren't the people his enemy then that propelled him above his apathy, to action?"

But people are never the enemy. They are always worth the price.

This reminded me of a post I made a little while ago in reference to the Roger's Innovation Adoption Curve.

"'Trying to convince the mass of a new idea is useless.' But we still do it don't we? And we still get frustrated when they reject it.The thought that came to my mind was, "Who is willing to pay the price?"

The inventors and creators and believers and dreamers among us have a choice: Keep inventing, dreaming, etc and face rejection by the masses or stop dreaming."

Apathy = the absence of dreams.

Knowing you have an enemy readies you for battle. It prepares you for conflict. It brings out that best version of yourself who is willing to die, to pay the price, to stand your ground. And why?

Because as comforting and easy as apathy is, we know that something inside of us will not let our enemy win. Not this time. Because they are worth the fight. Worth the effort. We are worth the price.

Lie to Me?

2011-03-11T16:03:00.000-08:00

I was watching an episode of Lie to Me the other day. He said something that has stuck in my head the last couple days.

"Do you know how to create a disturbed personality? Constant criticism and lack of affection. Works like a charm, that does."

It's almost convicting for me as I think about it. In the episode, Lightman (the main character) says this quote in reference to a beauty pageant contestant.

I'm not around any beauty pageant contestants much, but I guess we could make the argument that life is like a beauty pageant.

Costumes. Talents. Performances. Answers to Questions asked. And then judgements passed on to each contestant based on each of these categories.

And so we end up with labels as results.

He has good fashion, but is not doing much with his life.

She seems successful when you hear her sing the national anthem, but when you actually hear her talking you find out she is not very smart.

He has great talents but sure comes off like a slob. Why doesn't he just get a haircut and shave.

etc. etc.

It's like we need to find the weaknesses in each other's armor just so we continue to know without a doubt that none of us has it all figured out.

I catch myself sometimes at night, when I am home with my wife, finding things to criticize about the day, about the tv show, about the kids, about people I ran into today.

I sit back and nit-pick. I sit back and judge.

And no one intends harm, but as the brilliant wisdom from Lie to Me teaches us, constant criticism creates a disturbed personality.

But there is an antidote to criticism: affection.

More affection. Less criticism.

Criticism seems effective. It seems to get results. It seems important to let others know they are doing something not quite right.

But affection is equally effective I think.

More than hearing about how I don't think he needs to wear skinny jeans Ezra more needs to hear from me that his appearance doesn't matter to me, I am proud of him no matter what.

More than telling him for the 100th time to calm down, stop whining, and stay under control, Eli more needs me to give him a hug each night before bed and tell him how much I love him and will always love him.

And more than constantly noticing things in my wife's personality that she can continue to improve on, she needs me to constantly find things in her personality I can compliment, things in her appearance that I find beautiful, and things in each day to day that she brings that make me love the live I have chosen with her.

But am I there yet? No.

But keep trying Derek! You can do it!

(see, a good example of criticism vs. affection)

Whole Wide World

2011-03-03T15:19:00.000-08:00

Who has seen "Stranger than Fiction"? A show of hands....anyone?

Here is the link to info on the movie

Will Ferrell has a memorable scene in the movie when he sings the song "Whole Wide World." Here is a youtube video from the original artist.

"I'd go the whole wide world just to find her" speaks to me about perspective.

That's a big vision. Whole wide world. I'm like whole wide Edmonds, or whole wide Seattle maybe on a good day, but never whole wide world.

Expansion. Ever increasing. Our vision not growing dimmer as we age but bigger and wider and wholer (not a word, but it fits here I think).

I had recently run across an old journal entry I made on perspectives that I thought I would share. Please enjoy.

Silhoutted in pink, the pink fading to orange, then yellow, as it blended into the still semi-twilight blue of the early morning. A stretch of trees stands out along the far hill top, holding true to itself as the colors of the morning loomed at every side. Their opposing ways stood out as a contrast, each line of the tree clearly defined against the awakening of the horizon.

There was so much of today that would remain untouched from so many people. In fact, there was so much of every day that remained untouched by the majority of us. It was a type of refuge. It is a place where natural beauties take precedence over artificial success. This place feels slower, yet time passes just as quickly here, if not quicker.

“Some people come here every day,” he thought. This habitat resided in the window of a few hours each morning, but more than just being present in that window, it was about a perspective. The way that you looked to determine what you see.

Roger's Innovation Adoption Curve

2011-03-03T15:03:00.000-08:00

I ran across this the other day. I don't remember why or how, but I tucked it away.

I found the caption to be interesting, "Trying to convince the mass of a new idea is useless."

But we still do it don't we? And we still get frustrated when they reject it.

The thought that came to my mind was, "Who is willing to pay the price?"

The inventors and creators and believers and dreamers among us have a choice: Keep inventing, dreaming, etc and face rejection by the masses or stop dreaming.

Stop trying to create, stop believing, wait for someone else to pay the price.

But don't sit around wishing the statistics were different. Wishing the masses operated more like the innovators and early adopters.

This is as much a message for me as it is for anyone else.

And as a final encouragement: DON'T STOP DREAMING! I know it's hard and frustrating and not often accepted, but don't stop.

The world needs innovators.

Good Intentions & Great Expectations

2011-02-15T18:02:00.000-08:00

I was listening to a teaching yesterday from a worship school when the man speaking made reference to the quote, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

I decided to google it just to see who actually came up with the quote. Here is the yahoo answers page on it.

It was interesting to read through some of the responses on there. Interesting to read some of the viewpoints of God. It is interesting to hear the experiences of people seeping through their answers.

Browsing through message boards online I have found that religious topics often bring about lots of responses, arguments, and interesting viewpoints.

Even when someone tries to take the discussion into a loving, caring, non-judging direction, it doesn't work.

I took a plate of cookies around to some different people yesterday at work. I was promoting our new prayer times. Instead of meeting just Wednesday mornings at 8 AM, we now also get together Monday afternoons at 4. Cookies seem like good intentions.

I also handed out a prayer card that had a corporate prayer on it that we wrote. Here it is:

"God you are so good, so alive, and I so love you. Because of this, I trust you. I trust You with myself and with every person in this ministry. Be our breath, be our life, be our joy, be our peace. Let Your love be our motive. Make this a place of life, not death. A place of healing and not sickness. A place of restoration and not decay. Thank you Lord."

This prayer was written with good intentions.

The phrase "good intentions" for some reason also made me think of Great Expectations, which of course is a famous Dicken's novel.

I could not remember the exact story line so I found it on Wikipedia here.

A boy who is poor befriends someone not worth befriending (a good intention).

Boy bounces around from place to place, mocked and ridiculed and looked down upon most of the way. He decides to prove everyone wrong and win their affections by going to school and becoming smart instead of a dumb laboring boy (a good intention).

Boy comes into large sum of money from an anonymous benefactor (a good intention).

Boy squanders wealth and in the meantime tries to win girl, tries to impress people, tries to succeed (good intentions)

Boy finally figures out who his benefactor is and hates it for awhile but eventually likes it. Eventually figures out he is living for the wrong things and wants to be better (good intention)

A bunch of other stuff happens with other characters in the book until the main storyline of boy and girl winds up into one final encounter. summarized nicely from the wikipedia site:

"Pip meets Estella on the streets. Her abusive husband Drummle has died. Estella and Pip exchange brief pleasantries and Pip states that while he could not have her in the end, he was at least glad to know she was a different person now, changed from the coldhearted girl Miss Havisham had reared her to be. The novel ends with Pip saying he could see that "suffering had been stronger than Miss Havisham's teaching and had given her a heart to understand what my heart used to be."'

So good intentions here led us not to hell, but not really to heaven either, just kind of to a middle ground.

I think the truth is that a good intention doesn't mean heaven or hell, it is just one moment in time. And moments in time have no place in eternity (heaven or hell). Eternity is defined as "duration without beginning or end. Or, the timeless state into which the soul passes after death." (dictionary.reference.com)

I talk to people sometimes who live day to day, moment to moment, their worth unsure from one second to the next. A good intention here and a bad intention there. A good intention with a bad result, a good intention with a good result. So confusing and frustrating and trying to make people happy and failing and misery and addictions to be able to cope with it all.

But, when you come up above the moments, the day to day, you realize that the phrase "The road to hell is paved with good intentions," no longer applies to you.

My wife had great insight on this the other night as we talked to our 5 year old. He was feeling sad after getting in trouble for something and she said, "Do you think you are a bad kid?"

"I'm a bad kid because I never listen and I can't do the right things." -Eli
"You're not a bad kid you just make bad choices sometimes, but you're not a bad kid." -Chanaw
"But I am a bad kid." -eli
"Do we call you a bad kid?" -Us
"No." -eli
"Does God or Jesus call you a bad kid?" -Us
"No." -Eli
"So who is telling you you are a bad kid?" -Us
"I just am. It's just in my head." -Eli

We ended the conversation by having him get the bad thought out of his head and replacing it with the good and true thought.

He is a good kid. No matter the choices he makes from moment to moment, his identity remains secure in that definition. A good kid.

We forget sometimes though. We get caught up in good intentions/bad intentions, heaven/hell, great expectations/ let down expectations, arguments/loving words.

And so when He asks us, "Who are you?" We forget that the answer is, "I'm a good kid." Every time.

Proverbs 25:3 “It is the glory of God to conceal a thing; but the glory of kings is to search out a matter.”

2011-02-13T19:42:00.000-08:00

I was sitting a few weekends ago thinking on this verse, and came up with a story. I hope you enjoy it. Just FYI...this is a completely fictional story.

I wanted to hear a story about success but instead I was left listening to yet another autobiography ending with a plea for sympathy. In the 26 years since I had been coming back to this place I had heard but one story of success and yet that one story kept me coming back night after night.

In a desperate searching sort of way I needed to come back.

Ever since the divorce my stories had been less and less about accomplishment and more and more about compromise. When she and I met it was a moment in time that defied the watch’s consistent hands. Time stood still for an extra split second, enough for me to stop and take notice.

We encounter but a few of these moments in our lives. That encounter was one, and the story of success was another. I let out a sigh as those two thoughts passed through my mind. A sense of longing overcame me as it does when you realize the place you stand now pales in comparison to a place you once stood. The sigh comes when you can’t remember how you even came to be standing where you are now.

Why did I leave. It was a statement and not a question.

The blue plastic chairs arranged in an off-center circle. Their bright metallic legs scraping against the floor as they transitioned from empty to occupied. I closed my eyes to listen, hearing their dance come to life. Pull out, swing around, scraping sound, push in, sit down. A beautiful rhythm. I bet these chairs couldn’t have cost more than $15 a piece.

The lighting was too bright, as usual. Fluorescent bulbs in recessed fixtures, accenting the pale creaminess of the ceiling tiles. Rectangles to be exact. Don’t ask me how many there were, because I am not that type of person. I watched the faces and not the tiles. I counted the comings and the goings, rather than studying fixed objects that would never change.

I noticed then when Ms. O’Leary forgot to shower before she came. Her jogging routine always acted as a precursor to her attendance. I recognized when the week had been extra long for Jim. He worked as a mid level manager at a local retail store. I kept track of when the Flannerys came as a couple or when it was just one or the other. I made sure to catch a quick glimpse of each set of eyes that came through the door. I needed to know them.

It provided me a sense of comfort, to know them. Talking scared me because it went both ways, but a glance, a read, an assumption, those were safe and with equally satisfying results.

The room began to fill as the clock reached the hour of expectation. This was the hour when you were expected to arrive and be seated. The hour was different each night. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later, but always with the same level of expectation. This seemed to be a good enough motivator for attendance.

I looked to the seat on my left. Empty. She used to sit here with me. No sigh this time, but my hand, palm down ran its way down my thigh to my knee, wiping the newly formed sweat onto my pant leg. I brought my hand to my face in a subtle motion of shame and sorrow that presented in the form of rubbing my temples, then cheeks then chin. I attempted to work out the pain. No such luck.

Part way through this introspection I heard someone new hit the dance floor, this time just to my right. Pull out, swing around, scraping sound, push in, sit down. I looked up, quickly erasing all signs of negative emotion. It was a new face, the gender doesn't matter, which is why I will refer to them as the gender neutral name of Chris.

As our facilitator entered the room I realized I had not seen Chris come in, thus no studying of the eyes, no knowing. This made me a bit uncomfortable, especially considering they now occupied the chair immediately to my right.

Pull out, swing around, scraping sound, push in, sit down. Our facilitator had sat down. Jesse. Again, gender neutral.

Jesse’s eyes scanned the room looking for a participant. This was when the long chain of plea bargains, as previously mentioned, began.

As the night drew to a close, hope seemed faint. Story after story we kept hearing about loss, and tragedy, and begging. So much begging. Over and over again. “I just wanted them to like me.” “The only reason I did it was because I needed to be happy.” “If I could do it all over again I would do it differently. If I could go back in time I would fix it all.” “It is too much work and so I have to choose myself. It’s the only person I have ever been able to please.” “Don’t make me go back out there. I will fail again. I know it.” “You don’t know what it is like to be me. I am so different. I can’t figure it out. I hate myself.” “All I have ever wanted was a story and instead all I have is misery. Failure after failure with my name attached to it, front and center.”

It was then that Chris stood. Confident. “I have a story, a message.” Cue the background music. Dim the lights.

“I’m sorry.”

The circle of chairs seemed to turn in Chris’ direction.

“If I could have come sooner I would have.”

The off-center circle seemed to be moving again, no longer keeping its same shape but aligning into rows. Chris at the front, facing us.

“I see you, I always have.”

I turned to look behind me to see what the reactions in the room were, but found nothing but empty space. I could have sworn there were more people here tonight than this. Where had they gone?

“But I enjoy mysteries. Do you know why I enjoy mysteries?”

I shook my head, almost without thinking about it. I didn’t know, but I needed to.

“I enjoy mysteries because they get to be discovered.”

Pause. Dead silence.

“Do you know who is the best at discovering mysteries? You are.”

Our eyes locked at that phrase. As I turned to look away, side to side, where once had been a row of fellow listeners, there was now none. It was just me. My eyes could fight it no longer and fixed back on Chris. Chris still was at a pause, eyes searching mine, telling me that this message was for me and no one else.

“Do you know what your name means Leroy?”

Again, head shake no.

“It means king.”

Pause. Moment approached and moment passed, slowly, tip-toeing so as not to disturb the participants. The hand of the clock sounded in the background. Tick, tock, tick...........tock. Time had slowed for us, enough for me to stop and take notice.

“You are a king Leroy. You are a discoverer of hidden things. You will discover again.”

My heart wanted to believe but it had been too long. Too much of what I had once discovered had been squandered and lost. What did I deserve to find things for? Just to lose them again? I deserved no such privilege.

“There are things that have been hidden just for you. You alone can find them. There is no other. You have walked inside this dark room for too many years. Just on the other side of the door is light. It is discovery. All you have to do is trust. Trust that I speak the truth. Trust that I am good.”

I uttered a phrase that resonated across my body, echoing inside my mind, dispelling all illusions as to who I really was. “I am Leroy and you are good.”

Faith found my feet and trust lifted me out of the blue plastic chair. Once a place of enclosure, a place for bystanders, a place to sit it out, to complain and blame, to examine and judge, feel sorrow, pity, and shame, and feign relationship by using assumption, the chair defined me no longer. As I stood the balance shifted, its four legs no longer securely held down by the weight I carried. The two front legs, still bright and shining, tipped upwards, rotating above itself, I heard the chair legs scrape one last time and then fall with a crash. The dance was over.

I took a step and then another, my determination mounting with each stride. I crossed the room with purpose and stood before the door. With a singular motion I reached out my hand and took hold of the knob. As I did, a new sound filled the room. The sound of knocking. There was someone on the other side, waiting to be let in.

My hand squeezed tighter around the knob, my wrist twisting. I could hear the latch click and then release. The hinges swung open as the door acted no longer as a barrier but an entryway.

For me the mystery ended there. I knew the person at the door. I knew them by name. It was one with whom reconciliation had been a long time coming.

But for you the mystery just begins. I will not tell you who was at my door because it was a mystery only to be discovered by me. You have your own mystery yet to be discovered, your own door yet to be opened.

I turn to give you one more parting glance before I exit out the very same door I had just opened.

I leave you with these words, “I am leroy, a king. I discover mysteries that have been hidden just for me.”

This was the success story I had been waiting for.

When to Say Goodbye

2011-02-10T13:13:00.000-08:00

I remember a Brooks & Dunn song, "The Long Goodbye."

"...let's face it. All that's happening here is a long goodbye."

I visited YouTube just now to listen to the song again and here is the first comment listed on the page.

My husband and I listened to this driving...on our way to lose our mortgage and our home, he lost three jobs in a years time, and we had to down size, and you know what, best decision we ever made, got a bungalow, had a huge house, bought a small affordable house, and have been so happy ever since, could have said goodbye, but the Good Lord stepped in, get your priorities in order..

I was recently sent a link to a video from my boss regarding, "Necessary Endings." It's all about when to say goodbye to your employee. When to stop pouring resources into something that is never going to return the necessary value. When to give up. After all, it's good for everyone in the long run right?

The one main complaint of my management style these last 3 and a half years is that I give people too many chances. I believe in them for too long.

They want me to give up on people sooner. To move on. Sometimes there is no hope left is what they say.

I took the Strengths Finder Assessment by Gallup a couple weeks ago. It tells you which, of 34 possible strengths, are your top 5 strengths. They then recommend focusing on enhancing those rather than trying to constantly strengthen areas of weakness. Here is a paraphrased quote of theirs, "America's culture of creating well rounded people is causing mediocrity rather than brilliance."

Here is my list of top 5 strengths:

Ideation
Strategic
Learner
Relator
Restorative

I would love to take time to explain these but it would take too much time and space. If you do want to hear more about them get in touch with me. I would love to sit down and tell you about it.

I recently did not get hired for a big promotion here at work (company I have worked for for almost 4 years now) because my resume did not sell me enough. Even though they have seen me work for 4 years now, they didn't feel comfortable offering me a promotion because my resume did not paint a pretty enough picture of myself.

"Sell yourself Derek." "Put numbers next to things, quantify your worth."

"Terminate employees Derek." "Give up, it's time to move on." (all that's happening here is a long goodbye...)

Chanaw and I recently celebrated our 2 year anniversary. It was nice to get away. We got to go out to dinner without any of the kids (thanks mom & dad for that one). Our marriage is something I have hope in, beyond what I can see and what makes sense and beyond the circumstances. I wonder if that is ok?

I wonder what things I am allowed to hope in for too long? Longer than seems smart? Longer than makes sense to people looking in from the outside?

Maybe we need to find more ways to apply the "Give up sooner," principle to life.

I got angry yesterday. At one point I felt like yelling bad words.

I've seen people get fired here when all it would have taken is one person in authority taking the time to tell them how important they were to them. One person who would take the time to tell them their strengths instead of tell them their weaknesses.

Over and over again their weaknesses.

Tell me again what I am doing wrong so I can focus on it, fix it, and raise up to that well rounded, mediocre level that is so exciting.

Is there a necessary ending here? Or do I stick it out?

Do I stop seeing people's potential and treat them more like the person they currently are?

I don't exactly know how this fits, but as I was thinking about all of this stuff last night, this contestant came on American Idol. For some reason it was so beautiful. I hope you enjoy it as well. I loved what the judges had to say (starting at the 3:52 mark of the video).

2011-01-23T09:15:00.000-08:00

I recently discovered a new song by a band called "United Pursuit Band." It's called, "Break every chain."

What do you think? What does it make you think of?

Chord Charts can be found here: http://www.scribd.com/doc/26260900/Break-Every-Chain-Will-Reagan

What do you think it would be like if we all took a shot at playing this song and then posted the videos? It could be a "Break every Chain" revolution. I'm willing to give it a try anyways.

I will post my video here and on YouTube. You should do the same.

If you can't play an instrument then your video could just be you singing along with the original music.

Sounds fun!

The Year of Great Discovery

2011-01-14T11:08:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 25:3 “It is the glory of God to conceal a thing; but the glory of kings is to search out a matter.”

God spoke to me at the end of December and told me that 2011 would be a year of discovery. That things that have been hidden would be revealed.

We have already begun to see how God is going to be revealing things to us that before had seemed completely hopeless to find.

I wanted to start documenting our progress on it all just to be able to show how good God is and how He loves to give good gifts to us, His children.

Items hidden that have already been found:

1. Church

a. If you have been around us much in the last few years you know how amazing this is. It seemed that it would never happen. But then, out of the blue, it did.

2. Piano

a. I had previously been given a free piano by my old landlord who saw how much I loved to play. We kept it in our first two houses but then decided to sell it because of how much space it took up and how much work it was to move it. But the hole left from being without a piano in the house was noticeable. I was recently offered another free piano.

3. New Car that fits everyone

a. We were originally offered $13,000 for our trade-in and a purchase price for the van of $9500. In the course of our interactions the manager began to show favor towards us, so much so, that when we got to the very end and into the office where we sign the final loan papers, the manager had actually lowered the purchase price to $8300 and raised our trade in value to $13,500.

4. Worship Band

a. Since leaving International House of Prayer in Federal Way a year ago, I had not found any place to play. I have talked to Chanaw a lot about how much I miss this. But now that we are part of this new church I have been invited to play again.

5. Friends for everyone

a. Moving into a completely new area (Edmonds) is tough, especially when you feel so disconnected from your previous relationships. But friends have come. Ezra is going over to a friend from school’s house tonite. Eli hung out with a friend of his from kindergarten a couple weeks ago. This is huge, because neither of those things had ever happened before. Even Chanaw and I have found people to hang out with in the evenings and weekends. I went out to watch a game a few nights ago and Chanaw went to a ladies Christmas party even. So so amazing!

Financial Items that have been given to us:

1. Ibethel subscription

a. Ibethel is an online video service that streams worship and speaking from one of my favorite churches. We pay for a yearly subscription to be able to view this content.

b. The standard pricing is $14 a month, for a total of $168 for the year. We couldn’t really afford this. Then my mom sent me an email saying I could join her account for only $30 for the year. This was good, so I emailed Ibethel to say I would be cancelling and joining her account. They surprisingly responded by offering me a $22 credit that they applied to her account and a reduced rate for next year if I decide to do my own account.

c. Thus I was able to get a $168 subscription for $8

2. $100 free groceries from Amazon

a. The free groceries and free meals in Atlanta all happened in the span of 3 days.

b. I opened my email one day to find a thank you email from Amazon with a $100 credit towards free groceries through Amazon fresh. I purchased the groceries that next week, applied the credit, and owed no money! Amazing!

3. Trip to Atlanta free meals

a. I took a business trip to Atlanta and on the course of the 3 day trip I had all breakfasts and a lunch and a dinner given to me complimentary.

b. All free breakfasts: the hotel gave us a special rate since we were part of another organization. Free breakfast.

c. Free lunch: Chik-fil-a gave us free lunch because it was our first time there

d. Free dinner: A Mexican restaurant (can’t remember the name) gave us free dinner after they accidentally put shrimp in my co-worker’s tacos when he asked them not to since he was allergic.

4. Fred Meyer Parking lot

a. When I went to the store last weekend thinking about God giving financial blessing and how I wasn’t sure I totally believe in it since in our case it was in extra things that we didn’t necessarily need, etc etc blah blah blah…I was walking past a car with Abigail in my arms and a lady stopped me and said she was desperate to give money to someone who needed money for food and would I like some money. I won’t give you the whole conversation, but the point is that God interrupted my internal conversation about not believing God gives away gifts, by having a random stranger offer to buy me groceries.

So all this said, we are learning to receive gifts from our Father, God. So here is the list of items still to be found that we believe God will be revealing to us this year.

Items still to be found:

1. Lost camera (lost in the trade in of our car)

2. New job with increased responsibility and authority (Have had several people with dreams about this for me)

3. Plane tickets to Orlando (we have a trip to Orlando sometime this year and need airfare for everyone to get there, this is the one I have the hardest time believing God for since it seems so selfish, but it was the one I was thinking about in the Fred Meyer parking lot)

4. Head rests for Honda Van (these were missing from the van and the dealer wrote us an “IOU” to replace them for us, still waiting)

5. Penelope Social Security Card (Can’t find this and need it in order to file taxes and receive our Child tax credit)

So this is the list so far. I will be adding and editing as things happen this year.

I really believe this to be a year of great discovery.

He also gave me one other promise for the year, “I’ll make everything beautiful, just in time.”

So I hold on to that and I keep searching to find those hidden things.

Here’s to an amazing 2011.

P.S. I felt this morning like I should not buy a coffee on my way in, so I didn't. Then, just as I was finishing this post, one of my employees walked in with a cup of Starbucks coffee for me. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Timeline is a Moron, an oxymoron that is

2011-01-12T17:25:00.000-08:00

I wonder what would happen if we began to view time as a circle instead of a straight line?

What if we viewed all of life’s events as cumulative rather than being so quick to distinguish between past, present, and future?

I was thinking about this Christmas Day as I listened to someone talking about God and Jesus type topics.

I don’t remember what was being said, but I remember it brought to mind an idea that I have drawn from scripture.

Here is the passage…Galatians 3:6-10

6Consider Abraham: “He believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.”^a7Understand, then, that those who believe are children of Abraham. 8The Scripture foresaw that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, and announced the gospel in advance to Abraham: “All nations will be blessed through you.”^b 9So those who have faith are blessed along with Abraham, the man of faith.

Now I am no biblical scholar, so there may be many other interpretations to draw from this passage, but to me it speaks that time operates in a circle instead of a straight line.

What I mean is that Jesus has always died on the cross to reconcile us back to God. Even in the garden, Jesus had already died on the cross. Even in the time of Abraham Jesus had already died and risen again on the 3^rd day.

Abraham did not need to wait until the moment actually happened on the earth, he just needed to believe the scriptures, the prophecies, which testified to its happening, and the effects of Jesus on earth were granted to him. Righteousness. Saved by the blood before the blood had actually been spilled.

Long before the idea of salvation by faith came into popularity (thank you Martin Luther) Abraham was saved by his faith. He was declared righteous because he believed Jesus died on the cross for his sins and rose again to defeat death and the grave.

Time operates in a circle rather than a line. The great thing about this is that I don’t need to physically see something come to pass before I can believe in its existence.

Who I will be, who I am called to be, is a part of who I am right now. My past relates to my present to my future. Now this is not to say you are never free from mistakes of your past or that your future will be hindered because you make bad choices now, however this could be the case if we had no advocate.

We have an advocate (lawyer) who looks at the claims made against us to determine their legality. He looks to see if this are legal or illegal and if they are illegal He removes the charges from our record.

The only time something gets determined as legal, and thus “on our record” is when we agree with the charge and take a guilty plea.

To this our advocate has no other course of action than to sit by and comfort us as we take on the penalty of the crime.

I understand this post is out of the typical context of the blog, but it was something I had been thinking about so I wanted to sit down and write about it. I try not to go into theology too much just because it can be argumentative and often serves little good purpose, but in this case I thought it might be ok to write it down.

In one final thought I will say that I use this theology to treat my kids differently. I treat the boys as the men they will be. I treat my daughters as the women of God they will be. I treat my wife as the leader she is and the even greater leader she will be.

I have hope enough to treat them this way because I know that at some point in the future this reality already exists. The boys are already men, I already have two women of God as daughters, and I am already sitting amazed, at some point in the future, as I watch my wife lead and inspire as she is destined to do.

It is my pleasure to get to sit and wait to see these things come to existence with my natural eyes.

And on a practical level this is great, because it speaks to the truth that there is always hope. Always.

I would love to hear any feedback on this. Thanks.

Summary

2011-01-03T13:27:00.000-08:00

I ran a google search today just to try to find some interesting statistics.

I put in the search term New Year's Resolution. Number of Results: 45.2 Million.

I then sorted that to only blog pages. Number of results: 29.1 Million.

I then sorted that to only posts that happened on January 1st, 2011. Number of results: 91,600.

I then added the word "guilt" to my search. Number of results: 2,410.

I then searched for "New Year's Resolution AND guilt AND Jesus" Number of results: 308.

Interested to see the results?

Here is the first page that appeared in the results: http://www.newburyportnews.com/local/x1939352298/My-final-resolution

And the final page: http://bornwithlion.blogspot.com/2011/01/winters-bone-2010-720p-525mb.html

Since the results I got were pretty scattered I decided to put quotes around my main search term "New Year's Resolution" and then still added in "Guilt" AND "Jesus"

Number of results: 28.

If you are interested in reading through them here is the link: here

My blog of highlight for 2010??: http://dailyshennanigans.blogspot.com/

I couldnt be more proud and more amazed of the accomplishment of taking and posting a picture for each day of 2010.

My artist of highlight for 2010??: John Mark McMillan here (I have added one of his songs to the music player on the right side of the page)

My movie of 2010??: Inception. Why? Well read my blog post here for more info

Best TV show discovered in 2010: The Great Food Truck Race on Food Network with Tyler Florence. Epic, epic tv action.

Close runner up: Lie to Me.

My favorite food discovery of 2010??: Biscotti and Rick Bayless. But not together. Completely separate. I watched Rick Bayless win Top Chef Masters this year and was blown away. And I remember being given a biscotti by my sister in law Sarah earlier this year and thinking, "I don't like these, why is she giving me one." But then I dipped it in my coffee and it was delicious. I am a convert.

Best purchase of 2010??: A random tub of clothing from a guy off of Craigslist for $30. I was able to sell a lot of it back to Buffalo exchange to make up the money and then the items that I kept have helped to transform my wardrobe into something a lot more stylish and professional.

Close runners up for best purchase: Xbox Kinect and HexBugs.

Best memories of 2010 (too hard to choose just one):
1. The night Chanaw came home to tell me she had found out she was pregnant with Penelope.

2. The day the surgeon came out to tell us that Penelope no longer had a cyst on her intestine and that the crazy invasive cutting and sewing part of the surgery was no longer necessary.

3. The weekly rituals we had at our Northgate house: $2 Tuesday (cheap movie rentals) and Tuesday dinners (different person/people over every Tuesday for dinner)

4. Watching Eli score 3 goals in his first soccer game.

5. Hearing compliments recently about how much help Ezra is with Abi and how everyone can tell what a good big brother he is. I guess just really realizing he is growing into a strong, responsible, trustworthy young man.

6. Lastly, finding a group of people to do church with. It has been a long time coming.

That seems like a pretty good list. Have some of your own to share? Would love to hear them.

Have a great year everyone!

Needed to Share

2010-12-30T15:50:00.000-08:00

I was updating some of my Google Reader subscriptions today, just doing some end of the year cleaning. I ran across a couple interesting blogs that I decided to add to my list.

Reading back through a certain one, I found a post that especially inspired me. It spoke to me, the place I am in right now. I had to share it with all of you.

http://jonathanhelser.blogspot.com/2010/05/your-thoughts-define-me.html

here is the excerpt that especially got to me:

"She was waiting to be defined by my voice. Her little heart was like clay waiting on my thoughts to shape her. So with everything inside me I looked deep inside her and said "Haven you look more beautiful right now that you have in your whole life."

Everyday for the next week Haven would put on her new dress and come find me. No matter what I was doing she would pause before me and wait for my voice to tell her again that she was beautiful. It was like her little heart was saying over and over to me "do it again daddy.... tell me who I am."

Identity is discovered through the voice we listen to. We have all been created to be defined by a Fathers voice. Every girl is made to hear those words, "You are beautiful" and every boy is designed to hear the words "well done."'

Simply beautiful. It could not be better said or written.

Also, in case you were wondering, here are the other blogs on my Google Reader list right now. I deleted out a lot of the creative design and marketing ones I had in here because I was just ready for some fresh inspiration. Need to remove some of the external influences that don't add significant value.

Inhibition to Inhabit or do we Make it a Habit?

2010-12-29T10:23:00.000-08:00

As I was praying this morning I felt God remind me of a verse.

"You inhabit the praises of Your people."

Now I didn't know where this was at in the bible, so I looked it up online. As I googled the phrase I ran across another blog (link).

The author makes an incredible statement at the very end of his post. After wrestling with the true meaning of the passage and trying to decide which translation of the bible was most accurate he finds himself outside, walking, thinking, and a voice comes to him.

The voice speaks a simple phrase, "Praise me and see if I show up."

I found it so profound.

When I was praying this morning I felt a strong sense of God's presence as He reminded me that He inhabits the praises of his people, but then, just as suddenly as it came, it went.

And for the rest of my time praying I felt almost nothing.

It was almost as if there is an absolute truth hidden inside of "He inhabits the praises of his people."

Almost as if we have a choice to believe it is true, regardless of how we feel.

A certain sense of peace this brings.

When you praise Him, He comes.

Half of My Heart Does Not Make a Whole

2010-12-28T12:09:00.000-08:00

If I were to be completely honest about my feelings on parenthood I would say that it is a constant, daily struggle, to choose them over me. It is a continual battle of wills.

Do I make the selfish choice or do I make the one that benefits the family?

Do I sit down in front of the TV or do I take on the dishes?

Do I pay close attention when they tell me about their day at school or am I tuning it out slightly?

Do I care about their schoolwork, how they are doing, progressing, or do I leave all of that up to the teachers?

Do I engage with them, individually, one by one, or do I sit them in front of a movie or a video game to keep them entertained?

I cannot honestly look at this list and say that I made the unselfish choice every time this year. I feel incredibly selfish sometimes.

But the truth is that parenting and family life is hard. Doing it well and building quality, lasting relationships, is incredibly hard. It is a lot of work. It is a lot of daily, without a break, work.

There is seldom recognition and seldom appreciation.

The children rebel at many of your decisions because they would definitely rather be in front of the TV screen than working on long division.

I heard this John Mayer song on the radio yesterday and it really brought all of these thoughts home for me.

"Half of my Heart" (I am only including the lyrics for the verses)

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been

Then you come crashing in

Like the realest thing

Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else

I made a plan, stayed the man who can only love himself

Lonely was the song I sang

'Til the day you came

Showing me a better way and all that my love can bring

How can I make the unselfish choice unless I truly understand what it means to be loved? How can I choose someone else's needs over my own if I don't feel safe in how much I am loved?

I can't. And I don't expect anyone else to be able to do it either. It's like trying to love with half of a heart. It can't be done.

There is a freedom and a strength that comes when we begin to understand and feel all that God's "love can bring."

As I have been hearing on Sunday mornings at the Church of the Undignified lately, fear cannot exist in the presence of God's perfect love.

The fear that motivates me to make the selfish choices, it disappears in His presence.

More presence, less fear.

More presence, less selfishness.

More presence, better relationship with my wife, my children.

I cannot think of any better gift than this. (Had to throw that line in since we are still so close to the Christmas season)

The Cross at Christmas

2010-12-23T11:16:00.000-08:00

I realized yesterday that my previous post had a bit too much negativity in it, and I wanted to write a Christmas post that outlines how I feel about the season rather than listing all the things I don't feel.

So here it goes....

First, here are some song lyrics that have inspired me the last two days and I believe lead us towards Christmas' true meaning. (youtube video below for you to play as you read the lyrics)

"Shadows" by David Crowder Band

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We'll remember the cost
We're resting in
Shadow of the cross

I think one of the reasons I have a hard time with generic Christmas traditions (as covered in detail in my last post) is that I have a hard time simply celebrating the birth. I have a hard time separating Jesus' birth from His death.

At Christmas we are asked to celebrate only the birth and at Easter, only celebrate the death and resurrection, but in my mind I can't separate these two events. I believe that they fit perfectly together and perfectly define each other.

His birth truly displays the beauty of His brutal death and His death is the perfect culmination to His humble birth.

As I was praying yesterday I had a phrase come to my mind that I would like to share.

Who can command the masses like You oh Lord and yet you chose to lead us with a child, a still small voice, and death as love's greatest price.

I believe this sums up Christmas for me.

Despite expectations of grandeur and a triumphant entry Jesus came as a child, small, weak, vulnerable, innocent. Born not into riches or safety, but to a poor couple on the run in a stable with animal manure.

And when His life did start to become grand and triumphant with followers growing in large numbers daily, He changed the expectations again. Instead of leading through control, manipulation, or large numbers exercising authority, He led by example.

Death as love's greatest price.

It is one gigantic, beautiful circle.

In order to truly live innocent and free as a child you must first die.

And once you die and come back as a child you grow in maturity until you are able to give your life for another in perfect sacrifice as love's greatest demonstration.

So there is no birth without death. Just as there should never be death without a glorious rebirth.

Christmas as just a baby being born feels incomplete. I need the whole story to truly appreciate this day of Jesus' birth.

I pray His love and peace would find all of you, exactly where you are, this Christmas season.

Merry Christmas!

Orange you Glad I didn't say Banana

2010-12-21T16:43:00.000-08:00

Well it is the Christmas season and one would expect a Christmas post here at Journey of a Dad.

I call this "Orange you Glad I didn't Say Banana" because it's a punchline everyone sees coming. I don't know of anyone who has not already heard this joke told to them over and over.

And so it is with this season. It seems every year we find ourselves in monotonous repetition with similar punchlines being seen all around us.

1. The Christians who get mad because people use the term "Xmas"

2. The people who insist on emphasizing "The reason for the season" even going so far as to picket certain events or with signs blaring, "Jesus is the reason for the season" etc etc

This was emphasized to me all the more when I sat in on a company devotional time a few weeks ago when a coworker began to express her frustration at all the worldliness being displayed and how no one remembers what Christmas is about. And then she went on to tell how the thing she prays for every day is that people would go back to church. Because if they went back to church all would be well in the world.

3. The forced and hurried shopping to fulfill the obligations of all the relatives. I hear stories and inevitably find myself in stores with people last minute just grabbing anything off the shelf that fits the budget and the person to whom it will be given.

4. The gigantic Christmas musical programs. We went to a church a couple Sundays ago where the whole service was children singing songs and acting out scenes and running up and down the aisles with streamers and ribbons. All of this helping us to better remember Jesus' birth. The funny part of this is that one of the scenes that was acted out went something like this.

"Did you know that Jesus is the reason for the season?"

"What? Jesus? I thought it was about presents and decorations?"

"Nope, its about Jesus coming to earth as a baby to save the world."

"Wow! That is so great!"

5. A wealth of generic "signature-only" Christmas cards. My box is filled with cards with but a signature in them. And I compare the card to my office mate or family member and behold it is the same card design and same signature.

As you can see, I offer no judgement or opinion on each of these points. My cynical nature and sarcastic tendencies does desire to tear into each of these items, explaining why all is pointless, but I hold back.

I hold back because I don't need to have an opinion, I can calmly know that these are not traditions that are important to me or practiced by me. And that is ok.

I think of it like the Orange you Glad I didn't say Banana knock knock joke. The person who interrupts the 5 year old to tell them they have already heard the joke is a jerk. The same goes for the person who tells them the punchline before they can get it out or the one who explains about how the joke is overused and only new and clever knock knock jokes should be told.

I think it is a fitting analogy.

P.S. for more explanation regarding the knock knock joke in this post please see here